Last week, following a blistering round of Living Room Jeopardy, which is far less stressful and easier than onstage Jeopardy, Ms. Muse suggested I take the Jeopardy Anytime Test and put my now ample free time to good use.
Turns out their Anytime Test is not exactly any time.
The good folks at the Alec Trebek stage, just up the block from my Culver City home, would not let me take the test because I had taken it 6 or 7 months ago. Suffice it to say, it appears I did not pass. Those questions on British Royalty, Ancient Greece and Hip Hop lyrics did me in.
But Ms. Muse had never taken the test, so we filled out all the info, stationed ourselves at the table (she's a very fast typist), hit the Start button and plowed our way through Russian Literature, World War II Generals, Potent Potables and more.
The test givers never grade your performance, but I had a very good feeling when the 50 question sprint was over.
Of course, I also had a good feeling about the 2016 presidential election and we all know how shitty and disastrous that turned out.
Time will tell whether either of us will hear those iconic words, "pick up your buzzers." But then Ms. Muse, who is never short on wise suggestions, made another wise suggestion. "Why don't you, a new Man of Leisure, take advantage of your copious down time and go on a local game show?"
Why don't I indeed!
I could win a new set of Samsonite Luggage, the old bags are falling apart at the seams and produce great shame whenever I retrieve them from the carousel. Which, thanks to Covid and the aforementioned doofus ex-president I have not done in quite some time.
Or maybe I'll win a cherry red 2024 Corvette, my very late midlife crisis car.
Or what about an all expense paid trip to Cancun, where I can rub elbows with Ted Cruz and cast envious eyes on crazy kids buttchugging beer on the beach at 3 in the morning.
It's not out of the realm of possibilities.
About two years ago, a friend of ours (I will not divulge her name) went on Wheel of Fortune and cleaned house. She won every round. In convincing manner. She was guessing the answer before Vanna had flipped the first card...
"PHILLY CHEESESTEAK"
"WALK IN THE PARK"
"THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH"
Granted she's a lawyer, a whip smart lawyer at that, and probably a few paygrades above me in the IQ department, but I think I'd stand a good chance against some of the contestants I've been seeing lately. I say that not to be condescending but because until recently I never watched WOF. And now I find myself screaming at the TV...
"I'M SINGING IN THE RAIN. What are you buying a U for?"
When I'm not figuring the bureaucratic morass of securing unemployment benefits or compiling new and tasty recipes for Top Ramen, I'm going to pursue an appearance on a game show. I just have to come up with an interesting audition video.
Any suggestions?
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