Monday, December 20, 2021

End of Year Sabbatical


RoundSeventeen will be away for a while due to family circumstances.

 Until then, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Please hug the ones you love and squeeze them tight. There's magic in that warmth.

My New Year's resolution is to be a better friend to all who have extended their warmth and assistance to my family.




Thursday, December 16, 2021

Thursday Photo Funnies


It's been a while since I've done a Thursday Photo Funnies posting. Those of you who were National Lampoon fans, might notice how I have nicked the title for my own usage.

As a reminder, the Photo Funnies takes us on a journey through the very eclectic collection of digital photos on my iPhone. The choices were much more varied in the Before Times. And by that I mean when my hip was functional and I had the free time to walkabout Culver City, hike the stairs and not have to dodge homeless encampments on the sidewalk.

Now my sojourns take me to all corners of the inter webs, where I am particularly fascinated with white supremacists and more specifically white supremacists -- like the one pictured above -- who somehow evade the Woke Police and do not land themselves in FB Jail. 


Here's another toolbag who apparently has NOT violated Facebook's 
highly fluid Community standards.



And here's another, who brazenly took a potshot at
Big Nose Zuckerberg.



On a lighter note, here's a shot I snapped
while riding my Peloton. This scenic ride took me thru Peru and 
a first hand look at their wooly kangaroos.




A great ad from my former Team One colleagues
who set the bar for luxury car advertising and literally built
the Lexus brand. Kudos.




This requires little in the way of explanation.



Neither does this.




Nor this. I love how Red Hats own themselves.



This is a tiny caganer figurine, given to me by a friend who
had recently toured the Iberian Peninsula. It's now a family heirloom.


A surprising hefty nameplate from my first job 
at the old Chiat/Day warehouse. Best. Job. Ever.


And finally there's this, mobile chiropractic services for your dog and/or cat.
So damn Los Angeles.









Wednesday, December 15, 2021

Monkey Talk

 


As many of you over 40 years of age know, Michael Nesmith of the Monkees passed away last week. Of all the Monkees, I believe he was my favorite. He had a very dry wit about him. Not unlike George Harrison in the Beatles. Actually all the Beatles had an exceptional sense of wit and humor, watch their black and white movies for evidence.

Oddly enough, by way of marriage, several marriages, I have a relationship with one of the Monkees -- Peter Torkelson, who passed away in 2019. 

He was married to my ex-brother-in-laws sister. I met her but never met Peter. They all live in the suburbs of Boston and with the exception of Bat and Bar Mitzvahs, only got back to Massachusetts a few times.

Which between us girls was a lifesaver because after 3-4 days of that accent, I felt parts of my brain searching for the porthole to the large intestine and eventual escape. Plus I was born in the Bronx. 

Go Yankees!

But here's where the story gets semi-interesting.

As I was toiling as copywriter for Bernard Hodes Advertising and my buddy Jim was toiling as an in-house copywriter for Teleflora (The Beautiful Banquet Bouquet, was $8.99, now only $7.99), we both spent our free time chasing women and writing spec TV scripts. Rarely succeeding at either.

Somehow, and neither of us remembers how, we managed to swing a pitch meeting with the Executive Producer of The New Monkees. That's right, in 1987 some ambitious cable TV network execs thought it'd be a good idea to get the band back together. Not the original band, but new, peppier, edgier, Flock of Seagulls haircut young lads who could breathe new life into the Monkees franchise.

What, you don't remember the colorful, high flying antics of Dino, Larry, Marty and the other forgettable schmuck? I can't imagine why, but I can show you the opening credits to the show which unsurprisingly only lasted 1 season, much to the dismay of 13 regular viewers and the Executive Producer's mother.

You can see it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pUFWumxo7Q&t=1s

I spoke with Jim last week and while he remembered our nervous trip up to Universal or Warner Bros. lot, he doesn't recall much else about the meeting. Considering Jim and his writing partner Tom would eventually find themselves pitching movie ideas to Steven Spielberg and a host of other Top Shelf directors and producers, it's little wonder he wiped this New Monkees debacle from his mind.

My career in Hollywood was inglorious and mercifully short-lived, so you'd think I might have some vague idea of what we pitched. I don't. I only know that because it was our first pitch meeting and could've have gained us entry into that world, we didn't come with one idea, we came with a dozen.

All of them equally pathetic and stupid, which if you watched the opening credits was the currency of the realm. I suspect they were somewhere along these lines:

1. In this one, Larry breaks a pinky and can't play guitar so the New Monkees have to audition a new member for an upcoming tour. Hilarity ensues.

2. Helen, the Artificial Intelligent House Mother makes chili for the boys and they all get food poisoning.

3. The band takes a road trip and gets stranded in the high desert town of Boron. 

...and on and on, it went.

We didn't sell any ideas. Nor did we write any scripts. We didn't hitch our star to that of the New Monkees.

Bullet dodged.


Tuesday, December 14, 2021

The Tale of Becky Richards


 

You know me, I love a good scam. Not the scam itself, people who phish the internet looking for marks are scum. No, I love to scam the scammer.

Recently, I've been spending more time on Twitter, fighting the good fight and combating the GOP forces of disinformation. Oh and trolling shitheels like Boebert, Greene and Joel Osteen, he, of the cash hidden behind the bathroom drywall fame. 

A few weeks ago, I received a DM on Twitter from Becky Richard. She was looking for a friend. And I thought it must be difficult for an incredibly attractive, accomplished swimmer in her late 20's to make friends, so I took Becky up on her offer.

And with that we had begun to dance.

Becky wasted no time throwing chum more in the water.



It should be noted that I never go by the name Dick. And only used it in my twitter handle(@glasgowdick), along with Glasgow (my mother's birthplace) as a lark and never thought I'd be on the platform past 2007. 

But it served its purposes here very well.


Oh Becky, you not-so-little minx.

I knew that the request for $$$ was coming soon, but Becky was going to have to do some legwork before she saw a dime.


Naturally I obliged her curiosity.

Years ago, some vision-impaired friend said I bore a slight resemblance to Marlon Brando. It might have been the nicest compliment I ever received regarding my appearance. So I stored that in the mental vault. It too served its purpose here.



A week later Becky tipped her hand. With the rather juvenile Ask. I knew this was coming. I also knew that Becky was not Becky. I did a Reverse Image Search -- a great Google tool -- and discovered he/she/it was using a picture of a British Porn Star, Scarlett Jones, to lure unwitting victims. 

Further research reveals Scarlett has no problem making friends.

Now is when the fun begins...


Can you just feel the sexual tension?

I decided to string this out and make "Becky" who I picture as a 14 year old boy who is too clever for his own good, salivating over the thought of a free $100 Google Play Card so he can get Call of Duty 23 or Halo or whatever it is kids are playing these days.


Then, playing the role of a tech-delinquent, stupid old man -- not particularly difficult for me -- I asked for further instructions about getting the photo to her in Dallas, where she claimed to live.


And by now you can sense the desperation. 

Becky is giving me "her" actual phone number, which I'd be tempted to call, but I know better, so I gave her just what she wanted, a picture of the $100 Google play card.


Then, discovering I had wasted an inordinate amount of time with this ruse and failed to renew the registration on my wife's car, I decided, OK my eye-rolling wife decided, I had better things to do with my  time and played my trump card.


Bye Becky, better luck next time.









 
 


Monday, December 13, 2021

From Russia with love


Heard from my old Chiat/Day art director partner John Shirley last week. 

John had been cleaning out the garage at his mom's house, where she had been storing the leftovers from his storied career in advertising. Sadly, his mother had just recently passed away -- may her memory be a blessing. 

Like myself, John had recently become a full time caregiver. He, for his mom. Me, for my wife and my uncle.

It is not an easy responsibility. However, I believe that special adversity reveals, in an exponential manner, the true character of a person. I know I see John, and even myself, (both of us self admitted narcissists in the Before Times) in a different light for rising to the caregiving challenge. I tip my sweat-stained University of Colorado baseball hat to anyone handed that difficult assignment.

Back to John's mother's garage and what he found there. As the picture indicates it has to do with the Wall Street Journal. And flashbacks to our adventures pitching that business in 1999. Or 2000. Or 2001, it's all a blur to me.

Coming off the success of our yellow campaign for ABC, Lee Clow asked us to work on this media-adjacent account. It wasn't a huge revenue maker, but WSJ was certainly high profile. And the pitch included several trips to NYC to swap palm sweat with the big wigs at this famed institution, which I will readily admit was not on my reading list. Nor John's. 

As he often remarks, "I like picture books."

We toured the very staid editorial suite, walked through the newsroom, and broke bread with the movers and shakers of the financial world, exclusively older white men with silver hair who look identical to the founders of the John Birch Society. 

Then we'd leave, wash up at our fancy businessman hotel, and go out with the Chiat/Day team to an outrageously expensive restaurant, order Market Price menu items, single malt whiskey and discuss the latest episode of The Simpsons.

"Good sir, I'll have your second most expensive steak stuffed inside your most expensive steak, thank you."

That's how we rolled.

We made several cuts on the first go rounds of the pitch and reached the finals where we were pitted head to head with Goodby Silverstein -- this was in the golden times before that esteemed agency lost its luster and found itself cranking out crappy spots for Sonic Burgers and Liberty Mutual

Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.....Liberty.

We came breathtakingly close to winning the Wall Street Journal. 

This, despite one last chemistry check when the WSJ team came to visit our offices in Playa Vista...technically Los Angeles, and were greeted by 1000 employees, including Lee, reluctantly donning serious business attire. Note to self: eschew any stupid pitch theatrics.

It's a shame, because we had what I believe to be stellar work( that I had long forgotten about). I know it's not fashionable to say things like that, but given the decline of the industry in the last twenty years I'm going to indulge in a little back-patting and let the naysayers have at it.




These were three outdoor posters that would, in typical Chiat/Day fashion, have plastered the walls at construction sites, dominated train stations, and smothered New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and other major cities in an unabashed celebration of capitalism.

But, like the 1000 shares of MCI Worldcom that were going to make me a filthy rich man and then went underwater, it was not to be.

This work, like so much other unrealized ideas, now live in the ether, or more specifically, not in Manhattan but in John's garage in Manhattan Beach.






Thursday, December 9, 2021

Our nemesis: The Russians


I rarely do this, but it's been a stressful week and I just don't feel like doing the clicketty-clacketty thing.

After 11 and half years of doing this, I'm entitled to a break once in a while. this is that while.

But not to disappoint the now 13 regulars readers of this blog, here is your daily chuckle:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaeFr1OMJvY


Mmmm, unprocessed high flying bacon.

Wednesday, December 8, 2021

How I got my start in advertising


Last week my friend, fellow blogger, and compatriot in curmudgeon-ness, George Tannenbaum published a blog about his friend, fellow blogger and compatriot in curmudgeon-ness, Dave Dye. It concerned our collective race to the bottom of the communications barrel and the rampant pedanticism that ravaged our industry.

You can read it here: https://adaged.blogspot.com/2021/12/proving-proof.html

You should read it. 

In fact, if you are at all interested in the state of our business you should regularly read George's razor sharp blog, Bob Hoffman's scholarly veteran take, the inimitable Dave Trott and Dave Dye's blog for revealing observations and experimentation.

Looking at the variety of ways Dave enticed strollers into the cheese shop triggered a long buried memory of how I really got started as a copywriter. You could argue it came about when I worked in the mailroom at Needless Hardons & Tears, with my good friend and now Professor of Screenwriting Jim J. But the truth is it went back further, to many cold wintry nights in Syracuse NY.

You see, unlike my fellow students who often drove fancy cars, had mini-fridges and host of other amenities I could only dream of, I attended the most expensive private university in New York State on a shoestring budget. Actually I didn't even own a shoestring, I had to rummage through the trashcans to get a used shoestring.

It was not easy. 

And so I worked at the Brockway Dining Center about a mile down the road from my dorm. There, I washed dishes, mopped floors, ran errands for the cooks and generally slaved for the entitled masses. 4 hours a night. Often 6-7 nights a week. You know, when I wasn't working my second job flipping burgers at the Red Barn on Marshall Street.

To ease the drudgery, I often went to work stoned. Smoking whatever weed was available in the hallways at Sadler dorm. Or eating cookies laced with $5 a bag skunk weed that one of the guys grew at his parents Adirondack cabin.

When I'd get to work, I'd slip on a plastic apron and one of the paper hats pictured above in order to comply with non-existent NY State regulations regarding the feeding of the asses...er, masses. 

If you'll notice, the rectangle on the hat is the same shape and dimension of a standard outdoor board. And every night, hazy from the cheap pot, I would scribble out a 6-7 word pithy thought in thick black magic marker. Some of them were even funny.

It didn't take long for the more privileged students to take notice. And I started growing a following. While refilling the CO2 containers or restocking the ice cream or grabbing extra napkins for one of the Long Island princesses, I'd have many students come up to read my hat.

It became a regular thing. And made my head swell.

Then it occurred to me to save the more popular hats. And so I did. I stored them in a leftover cardboard box from Rickel's hardware and held onto that box of youthful witticisms for a long time. And for an even longer time they took up valuable real estate in my parent's garage. Until a river of rainwater flooded the garage and wiped out what was in essence, my first real portfolio.

Little did I know that I was training myself to become a copywriter. 

Less surprising, outdoor advertising is still my favorite format. 

And now I buy legal weed from the dispensary near the gentleman's club on Robertson. 

Good times.


Tuesday, December 7, 2021

Memories.


Yesterday I wrote about Apple's wonderful Christmas spot. Today, in my perpetual search for easy blogging material, I am revisiting a spot we did more than 10 years ago, when I was enjoying my life as a steadily employed overpaid freelance writer.

It's a modest little spot with a "small" story that was shot in one long 10 hour day (actually night) in the Angeles National Forest near Pinion Hills. I've thoughtfully marked it off for you, in case you were curious. I've also marked off the desert hamlet of Littlerock on the Pear Blossom Highway (138), in case you have a taste for the odd.

If you ever get a chance you must stop off at the Kite/Souvenir/Nazi Memorabilia store. I kid you not. This amazing compound of tchotchkes is a sight to behold. It's literally 6 or 7 smaller buildings, each with its own theme of worthless Chinese-made crap.

On a sojourn there, I told my oldest daughter to pick out something funny for Deb, and the dependable off-kilter Siegel genetics led her directly to this...


Sadly, I had to screen grab this photo as my wife either hid ours or chucked it when I wasn't looking. This was going to be a family heirloom!

Also, if you do make it out to the Antelope Valley, which I find fascinating for so many reasons, you can swing by the wedding chapel made famous in Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Kill Bill Vol. 2, one of Tarantino's underrated films as far as I'm concerned.

I miss going on shoots and doing productions with creative people I genuinely enjoy and admire. More often than not they turned into laugh-fests. And almost all of them resulted in stories and memories that are now buried deep in my cranial hard drive.

As I often say when getting together with old colleagues from back in the day, "We didn't know how good we had it."

For example you might have noticed the shot of Santa Claus included a pan left to show reindeer. We had eight of them on set. Eight actual Arctic-born reindeer. If this were to be shot in 2021, the budget would not be so forgiving. 

And instead you'd be looking at two Great Danes with fake antlers glued to their heads.

Truth.





 

 

Monday, December 6, 2021

Fare un Cinema (Make a Movie)


 

By now you have probably seen Apple's new holiday...er, Christmas commercial. I have no problem saying Christmas, Merry Christmas or Joyful Christmas. That shit is simply a wedge used by the GOP to split us. I'll have none of that.

Just as the John Lewis commercials are a Christmas staple in Britain, the annual Apple spots are a treasure here on this side of the pond.

There are a few things I love about this spot, which you can see in its entirety here

The fact that the commercial was shot on an iPhone is certainly noteworthy. And impressive. Made slightly less impressive when I discovered the spot was not made by a pre-teenage girl, as I had assumed. But by Jason Reitman, son of Ivan Reitman, and director of such films like Thank You For Smoking and Juno.

Small aside, my partner John Shirley & I, met with Jason when he was a kid and wanted to direct one of our spots. If memory serves, he even sat in our cubicle (after Chuck & Clay went on to become directors themselves)...


...I can't remember what the project was, or why we didn't hire him, I suspect it had something to do with his youth, which John & I had already started to resent. Not to mention his robust hairline, which I shamelessly envied.

If you indulge yourself in the full three minute viewing, I think you'll agree it comes off like a small movie. Many clients talk about "engagement" or "brand loyalty", but few companies have actually achieved that feat, like Apple. 

Note to Fortune 500 companies: Tagging shit with smiley emojis does not engagement make.

But what I love most about the spot, even in its condensed 60-second form is the "smallness." 

Is it contrived that a 10 year old girl would fall deeply in love with her snowman, Simon? Maybe. I have two daughters and for the longest time my youngest made a large cardboard box her personal castle. There is photographic evidence of this phenomena, but I did not get her permission to publish the pic.

Nevertheless, if you allow yourself to go for the ride, you quickly get caught up in her efforts to save Simon. It required her imagination, perseverance and commitment to make it to the next winter. In other words, it revealed her (Olive's) character. And it did so without special effects or grandiose trickery. It was small.

As noted on these pages many times, I'm a believer in small with regards to story. In light of all the insipid superhero movies that take up our movie screens, that makes me a contrarian. Shocker.

I also admire the shocking twist at the end of Olive's journey, which Jason takes and turns it on its head in a most satisfying way. And again, kudos to Apple for going that route. 

I know from experience that 100 out of 100 past clients would have rejected that outright. Perhaps that what makes Apple, Apple. 

And everyone else Not Apple.


Thursday, December 2, 2021

The Tail of the Caganer


If you're looking at the picture above and thinking, "What the hell...that looks like a large man in an elf hat...at a shopping mall...uncoiling the remains of his Thanksgiving dinner", congratulations you've passed the eye exam.

As faithful readers of R17 know it's that time of year where I uncork my tales of the Caganer

Let's harken back to the 80's, well maybe not that far back, but to a time when advertising was driven by TV commercials, legacy media, and work people could actually point to. For the record, those times are gone. And you'll never find yourself at a dinner party or a holiday gathering and hear someone say, "Hey did you see that tweet from Home Depot?" or "I loved that page-takeover from Hellman's mayonnaise."

I was working on a sales event for Acura "luxury" cars and wanted to do something different that the red bow on a car trope. So I began researching odd X-mas traditions from around the world. That's when I discovered the Caganer -- The Pooper in Spanish.

In Spain and Portugal, 18th century celebrants of Christmas would often stage a Nativity scene in front of their homes. Only their Nativity scenes were different that the ones you might find in Peoria, or Boise, or Tempe. Because in addition to Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and assorted Jewish servants friends and attendants, there included a small figurine, positioned just outside the manger, with his caftan around his ankles and caught in the act of "launching a lifeboat off the SS Assitania."

Why?

Indeed why? 

Organized religion has never made sense to me. In my book, God did not create man. Man created god. And yet, the reasoning for the Caganer seems more rational than myrr, frankincense and whatever else is going on here. 

You see winter solstice on the Iberian peninsula is when the farmers start getting the soil ready for the upcoming planting season. And to mark that special period of time the Caganer is symbolically fertilizing the ground with his own man-made fertilizer. Keep in mind this was in an age before almanacs, broadband and other time-keeping devices to aid poor rural Catalonian farmers.

The Caganer is performing a vital and necessary service while also maintaining a healthy digestive regimen.

This week one of my neighbors assembled a nativity scene on his front yard. I happened to be walking the dog and ran into him while he nailing Wiseman #2 to the ground.


We engaged in some small talk and I took the time to tell the Tail of the Caganer to him. Not sure he was prepared for what I was unloading on him. As I was leaving, he scratched his chin and said, "Ok, have a nice day."

Part of me wants to go online, purchase a 2 foot high Caganer and surreptitiously add it to his front yard party. 

My wife said No.



Wednesday, December 1, 2021

Another day in the neighborhood.


Seen on the inter webs. It's not my sign. 

Perhaps not the best marketing message an anxious home seller should be using. 

I'll give it a 10 for attention getting purposes, but a 2 for strategy. After all, who wants to live next door to a certifiable douchebag? I don't. Particularly one with two vicious pitbulls, who have on multiple occasions, bolted through the front door to ambush my dog as I walked by on my way to the park. That's certifiable douchebaggery.

But I don't want to get into specifics regarding my close to 30 year beef with Mr. I Don't Give A Shit About Anyone Else. 

And just to be clear, the people who live on the other side of my house are some of the nicest in the world. Our dogs play with each other. Our daughters know their daughters. And we have broken bread and uncorked adult beverages with them. In other words, it's not me.

This is more of a general piece about our knowledge or lack of knowledge about the people who share the street, the air and the environment, in our nearest vicinity. 

From where I'm sitting, and because I work at home and write on the side, I'm in this incredible comfortable Herman Miller chair quite a bit, I am within a foot of a window that looks out onto the street. Moreover, I have security cameras situated on the roofline for maximum coverage of the street below. 

In short, I have what martial art instructors call "excellent environmental awareness." Add to that, my nature as an observer and student of human behavior.

Here's what I've noticed: 

Many people lead quiet, solitary lives. 

They don't go out on weekends. 

They don't have parties. 

They don't have friends over. I'm not sure some of my neighbors even have friends.

And it's not that they're unfriendly. I often run into and chat with them while walking my dog. Or, back in the day, when I would run my daily three miles in the neighborhood. 

Nor am I passing any judgment. It is only now, after multiple vaccinations, that we feel safe enough to have people over again, drink my expensive whiskey, use up my precious toilet paper, and leave me a sink full of dirty dishes. 

I don't know what to make of all this. Well, actually I do. 

I started writing a book about Neighbors I have known, and experienced, in the Before Times. Including the former president of Rhino Records, a professional dart player, and a sad actor who posed for many Younger Boy/Older Lady Spanking magazines in the late 80's. I've had some doozies.

If the lady's dog across the street would ever shut the fuck up, maybe I could revisit that unfinished project.




Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Culture Commerce Wars


For reasons that still bewilder my wife, I follow the GOP on Twitter. My reasoning couldn't be simpler or more Machiavellian, "Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer."

I like seeing what the opposition party is up to. Whether it's Marco Rubio's shameless bible-thumping, Mark Meadow's what-about-ism, or Ted Cruz's piss poor attempt at satire. It's all quite informative. And it keeps my metabolism revving on the redline.

But nothing is more indicative of our country's current divisiveness -- and who's stoking it -- than a quick online visit to both party's e-commerce websites. Not surprisingly, the RNC's features a whole host of "Let's Go Brandon" paraphanelia, as if those three words were the funniest words ever written. 

While the store at the DNC does not cheapen itself with any anti-Trump swag. None. After all, the man lost in a free and fair election, so why give that dead, merkin-sporting horse's ass any oxygen.

This, for instance, is the most confrontational piece I could find among all the tschotkes and swag on the Dem site.


That's quite the shot across the bough, huh? No wonder Red Hats refer to them as evil DEMONcrats or sneaky DemocRATS. That's some more of that legendary Republican cleverness.

In fact, if you were to skim through the Dem's site, you'd find nothing but a celebration of Voter's Rights, Infrastructure messaging, and some not-so faint praise for President Biden. All of it above board, normal and overpriced.

Let's swing over the RNC store

Here, with the exception of the obscene pricing, you will find the complete opposite. It's a store dripping with the Sore Loser Vibe. Smug, defiant, jingoistic and childish, a celebration of everything that makes 45 the epitome of the Ugly American.

Don't play golf but still want to let the world know you voted for a twice-impeached, Insurrection-inciting Russian stooge? How about this stylish hat?


It matches perfectly with your "Let's Go Brandon" apparel, lovingly stitched together in a Chinese textile factory.


Don't let a warm PBR ruin your day at the NASCAR race or cross-burning, pick up these cool can coozies.


And finally, always looking to expand the big tent that is today's Republican Party, the RNC has wisely recognized the most put-upon, persecuted and oppressed group of people in America, the ones personally threatened by other winter solstice celebrations, like Hanukah and Kwanza, victims of unimaginable emotional and psychological torture -- powerless White Christian Americans.

The ex President may not have delivered a Wall paid for by Mexico, a new big, beautiful healthcare plan, an Infrastructure Bill, Immigration reform, 6% GDP growth, a denuclearization agreement with North Korea or Iran, the disappearance of Covid, Mid-East peace or a trade war victory over China, but thanks to his tireless efforts, we can all say Merry Christmas without any fear or consequences. 

No wonder he's often referred to as our nation's greatest and most-accomplished president ever.

Merry Christmas everybody. 

And thank you President Trump, thank you.
 









Monday, November 29, 2021

Kentucky Fried Cranium


For the life of me I will never understand people who are in charge of approving marketing. Because for the life of me it has been made painfully clear these same marketing professionals don't understand people.

Allow me to explain this strained syllogism.

Roughly seven years ago, Kentucky Fried Chicken aka KFC, delivered their account to the front doors of Wieden Kennedy in Portland. This was in the Before Times, when the country was enjoying solid steady growth and had the wherewithal to deal with any worldwide pandemic. 

Sales at KFC were sagging, perhaps due to the growing health consciousness and the move away from fatty fried foods. So the creative department reached deep into their pocket of tricks and pulled out a winner. They reinvigorated the company spokesperson, Colonel Sanders, and did it in a way that had never been done.

There wasn't just one Colonel Sanders, there were many. In the world of advertising it was pure heresy. And violated the cardinal rule of "treat the consumer like an idiot." In a similar vein, I recall sitting in a meeting with Jamie Tarses and Stu Blumberg (co-chairs of ABC entertainment) and suggesting we roll out a different tagline every day of the year. They looked at me as if I had arrived on Earth from a different planet.)

It was big, bold step. And it featured a revolving cast of characters including George Hamilton, Jason Alexander, Rob Lowe, Norm Macdonald even Reba McCintyre. After years of tired, boring, crispless work, suddenly people were talking about KFC advertising.

It was funny, entertaining, sometimes challenging, but always fresh. I don't know how it impacted sales, but my intuition tells me when people on the street are whispering, "Hey did you see that new KFC commercial?", they're also hauling buckets of the fried pigeon back to the double wide. 

Plus, the campaign went on for years. Generally clients, particularly clients with franchisees, don't play the long game unless it's paying dividends in the short term.

But all that is about to change. Because recently the genii at YUM (parent company of KFC) announced an agency review. They're putting the account up for grabs. And here's the best part, they told possible contenders they were looking for work with outstanding creative, JUST LIKE WIEDEN KENNEDY's.

"I'm breaking up with you. This isn't working. It's not you it's me. I need someone new, someone one different, someone more exciting. I'm seeing your identical sister."

You can't tell me the revolving Colonel Sanders well is dry. With an instantly recognizable spokesperson and a platform that allows you to pluck any celebrity out of the ether and sit him or her in the makeup trailer, there are infinite possibilities to keep this campaign going. Give me a full day rate and I'll have a dozen new spots written in a week. One might even be good.

My Spidey Sense tells me something else is afoot: tension, conflict and fatigue. 

KFC claims to want work like Wieden Kennedy, they just don't want to deal with the work that's needed to produce that kind of work. That often involves collaborating with creative people who have a strong opinion. People who see ideas as precious and worth fighting for. People who have made their bones breaking rules, challenging the norm, and taking straw and turning it into gold. You know, The Difficult Ones.

Good luck KFC.

And congratulations for butchering the golden goose, dipping it in batter and deep frying it in oil that hasn't been changed since the first store opened in North Corbin, Kentucky, 91 years ago.


 

Wednesday, November 24, 2021

"Deb, where's the bourbon?"


 

No R17 posting today.

Or tomorrow.

We will resume our regularly scheduled curmudgeoness on Monday.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, this year we have much to be grateful for.

Tuesday, November 23, 2021

America Aborted


 

Need something to be thankful about this Thursday? 

Be grateful you still live in America. The America our forefathers pictured. The America that wisely put the First Amendment before the second one. The America governed by the Rule of Law -- for the most part.

A year ago, that was all put in question. By a turd of a man who could not bear the thought of losing and was willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING this country stood for just to assuage his shabby narcissistic pain.

Think I'm being hyperbolic?

Do yourself a favor and read this gripping new book by Jonathan Karl, Chief White House Correspondent for ABC news.

If you're like me and have been paying attention to the fumblings of our ex fat fascist POTUS, you'll see the book covers familiar ground, including the Covid fiasco, the dysfunction inside the White House, the Tulsa debacle and a host of other legendary fuck-ups. But it's the Election Night and pre-Inauguration seditious misdeeds that carries the day and sent post-Germanic goosebumps up and down my body. 

People, we came perilously close to LOSING this country.

The GOP wants to wave the flag of Election Integrity, yet conveniently ignores that their leader, who was leading, before all the ballots had been tallied, put out this uniquely UnAmerican tweet...


In what possible scenario could it be acceptable for an American President to call for American votes to be ignored and trashed? 

Imagine for a moment that Mitt Romney was gaining ground at some point in the 2012 election and President Obama put out a tweet calling for the vote to be stopped. 

This alone, qualifies as an impeachable offense and should make every flag-waving, pocket-constitution carrying, U-S-A-shouting citizen shudder in absolute shame.

But it doesn't. 

And that was only the beginning. It got worse, exponentially worse. Turns out there was no end to this fucker's willingness to abort America.

So much so that Mark Milley, the JCOS, had to issue a public warning to the Pentagon and the most powerful fighting force on the face of the planet that there would be no possible situation where the military would get involved in the politics of the election. 

Stunning, that this would even need to be verbalized.

And then there's this. When no respectable lawyer could offer a glimmer of hope to the losing candidate, he turned to MyPillowGuy™ and Sydney Powell, who famously stated in court, "No one could seriously take what I said as fact." But someone did, the fishbrained dolt who was still sitting with his stubby fingers on the nuclear codes and was still the most powerful man in the world.

Given the classified phone number for the Under Secretary of Defense, Powell called him and begged for a special commando force be sent to Germany to snatch up CIA Director (and Trump appointee Gina Haspel) who was on a special mission to destroy evidence of European servers that had switched votes to Biden during the election. 

You can't make this stuff up. But Powell did. And losing his grip on reality, Captain Ouchie Foot ate it up. At one point he even considered appointing Sydney Powell, perhaps the sleaziest attorney on earth (and doesn't that say something) to be a Special Prosecutor, charged with looking into non-existent Election Fraud. 

Believe me when I say I have merely scratched the surface.

Red Hats have long abandoned reading this blog. But if you know one does, do yourself a favor and give them this one book as a X-Mas or Hanukkah gift. Chances are they won't, or can't, read it because well...

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A

 U....S....A




Monday, November 22, 2021

The Molden Age of Advertising


A few prefaces before today's post.

Astute readers of R17 will no doubt notice that I am prone to typos, missed words and sloppy syntax. I type fast and I'm a terrible proofreader. I try to fix the mistakes on the fly, but apologize if I've offended, particularly you other writers out there. I know how that can be a pet peeve.

Today's post may contain slightly more  than normal as I am hunting and pecking and clicking and clacking at the keyboard with my one good arm. The left arm is still in recovery from my Covid booster shot, which did quite a number on me. Nevertheless I am triple vaxxxed and grateful for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Preface #2 -- lately I've been writing more about advertising (as I will be today). A quick scan of my analytics -- for juvenile reasons, I like writing that word -- and noticed that web traffic is up. In the past I said I don't care about that kind of stuff but who am I kidding? I like knowing that 8 people, now 11 people, come here for their morning semi-laugh.

Today, we are addressing the leitmotif found in many commercials of people in chairs falling through the floor. Haven't noticed it? That's alright, because I have. Here's one for Philadelphia Cream Cheese, a product that's near and dear to my salty lox loving heart.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oy8xVF8s25c

OK, Rich, but one spot does not a trend or a leitmotif make. Indeed, but I have also noticed it the conceit used in an Apple commercial. 

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/q1CV/apple-watch-series-7-the-big-questions-song-by-souls

To be sure, I know the magic in the power of Threes. And so I give you yet another commercial featuring, well, you know...

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/q7WN/hulu-you-know-what-hulu-live-tv

Now, at this point you might be thinking, "Geez Rich you should develop a hobby. What about whittling decoy ducks out of wood or take up skeet shooting, something!" Well, I am happy to report that after a 3 month layover because of my hip replacement, I am now back in the garage, pushing plates and regaining my previous age-defying strength.

In any case, what's the deal with people in chairs falling through floors in order to escape their current environment. The junior psychologist in me says it has something to do with Covid and our homebound lives for the past two years-ish. 

On a completely different note, what is with the word 'Yes'? A different but even more annoying leitmotif.

It was even codified by the esteemed and scholarly planning department at one unnamed ad agency I used to work for. They called it, "The Yes Strategy." The spot that exemplified it featured vignettes of random people, all cast from the Overexcited Cliche Actors Casting Agency, answering questions written by the Clueless Clients Posing As Copywriters Club.

"You mean I can get two medium pizzas for just $5.99"

"Yes"

"Two pizzas with one topping?"

"Yes"

"And that includes Garlic Knots?"

"Yes."

Now, yours truly could not locate a copy of this advertising classic. But I did track down a 15 second version using the same vaunted Yes Strategy. Just imagine the dullness and insipid contrived situations doubled for your viewing pleasure.

https://www.ispot.tv/ad/wFiL/pizza-hut-two-pizzas-for-599-each-yes-and-yes

I only mention this old ad because with my increased viewing of college and professional football games,  there have been copycat (GASP) advertisers now employing Pizza Hut's proprietary strategy of having clownish actors pimping mayonnaise, fizzy soda water, or some new lime flavored douche, by claiming, "Yes", "Yes" and "Yes." 

For the love of god, "NO."





Thursday, November 18, 2021

Sunday Night Blues


Succession is my new obsession.

I know I'm late to this party but the truth is Succession could have been my old obsession. You see I watched the first episode of the first season. And maybe part of the second. I picked up on the storyline. The dysfunctional characters. And the shifting family dynamics. 

I got all that but with such a wealth of good tv dramas out there, I decided not to invest my time in this one. Truth be told I haven't allowed myself to get sucked into the vortices of so many shows, on so many different channels and streaming services. I just don't have the real estate in my brain.

Also, because when the show was introduced I was captivated (and still am) with the drama taking place in Washington DC and the slow moving Trumpian coup that is still holding a dagger to the neck of democracy.

But, perhaps because of the constant promos and the social media chatter, I decided to watch episode 1 of Season Three. Fearing that I might not know what was going on and that I would be obliged to "binge-watch" (I hate that phrase) the first two seasons. Thankfully that was not necessary.

For better or for worse, we are right back where we started from. With the older son Kendall trying to oust, and pulling all the stops to do so, the old man Logan, from the Deathstar.

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not going to give away any spoilers. 

The plot of this show is kind inconsequential. At least to me. I'm much more interested by the family dysfunction, of which I am intimately familiar, the skullduggery and the duplicitous nature of all these greedy, narcissistic fuckers who populate Succession. And resemble many of the characters I've run into in advertising and entertainment.

What I find most fascinating is the backstabbing and the manipulation. 

Each of these scheming characters has an innate ability to play the angles. To say one thing with a completely earnest, straight face and a minute later, act in a manner that is diametrically opposed to their previous statement.

This, perhaps more than anything else explains their tremendous wealth. As well as my own lack of tremendous wealth. This was never a game I was good at. I come from the School of Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say. And stupidly, or naively, I assumed others would act that way as well.

Take this as a fair warning from a grizzled 44 year old, they do not.

Integrity has no currency in the Waystar world. Or it seems, in any other world.

It makes for good TV. But little else.