Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Giving thanks

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.

I'm thankful that I don't have to pick my brain for another rant-worthy post.

I'm thankful that I can, without any guilt, spend the entire day drinking bourbon and watching football.

And I'm thankful for all the blessings in my life that have come to me, not through God, but through:

-- hard work

-- the wise choices made by my parents

-- the good luck to live in a country that celebrates and sacrifices for freedom

-- and the ever-lasting patience of my wife

Most of all, I'm thankful that I have two daughters who recognize a silly photo opportunity and are so willing to indulge their sophomoric father.

OK, I had to force them to stand next to the statue in Portland's Pioneer Square, but at least I didn't have to yell at them in public.

I'm thankful for that.

Happy Thanksgiving.
And Hanukkah.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Mad Women

I've made a lot of hay on this blog criticizing the new kids on the advertising block.

Between their entitled attitudes ("I've been here two years, I should be a Creative Director."), their unholy fascination with digital media, and their piss poor sartorial/tonsorial choices, they have provided me with ample grist for the old man mill.

I could easily continue down this well-worn path, and given the "quality" of today's work, not face any writer's block until the year 2023.

But to do so would be folly.
And I would only cementing my image as an aging myopic curmudgeon.

"Those that can do, do. 
Those who can no longer do, become grumpy bloggers."

So today, we're zigging, not zagging. Today we're talking about someone who is actually talented. And has, what I think are, the makings of a great art director. Of course, I may be biased. And later, you'll see why.

Last week, I stumbled across an article about a creative team, a copywriter and an art director. Both are women. One is a Mormon. The other, a lesbian. If that doesn't have a must-read quality, I don't know what does.

A click here and a link there and within seconds I was able to find both of their online portfolios. Nothing stalker-ish about that. I like to know who I am still competing against for jobs. And I like to see where the work is trending these days.

I also love to see the garbled English and abundant typos that is so prevalent these days. It's that kind of sloppy unprofessionalism that will keep me employed for years.

But there was none of that here.

There was just a lot of good work. And the Art Director (I'm using her name with permission) Kimberly Linn, had a campaign that struck home. It was for Taco Bell. More specifically, Taco Bell's Late Night endeavors.

You see, years ago when the Irvine-based company was keeping the doors open into the wee wee hours, I was involved with the initial launch. In fact, my partner and I came up with the original concept of FourthMeal. I even wrote about it here more than two years ago.

FourthMeal has become a Taco Bell franchise. Although to this day, I've never seen any executions that gave the idea its due.

Until now.

In her portfolio, Kimberly has a slew of outdoor and OOH print for Fourthmeal that she had done with copywriter Mike Zuckerman (I also have his blessing).

All the lines have a distinctive post-modern flavor, and a few are better than others. But the fact that I liked some of the work, explains why Taco Bell didn't like any.

I'm sure it's because there's no food.  But if Taco Bell had any understanding of the two-in-the-morning drunken craving for a sloppy burrito, they'd know a photo was ridiculously unnecessary.

Of course, I'm not the target audience. And by 2 AM, I'm well into my second cycle of REM sleep. But in the fast food world of equally non-nutritious eating matter, I'll go with the company that has a sense of humor and understands the power of self-deprecation.

So Kimberly's work never ran. And it only lives online. In her portfolio. Where it can never win any awards.  And will only be seen by potential new employers. And underemployed bloggers.

But she is young.
And relatively new to the business.

The good news is, as far as demoralizing advertising experiences go, there's plenty more where that came from.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Crime and punishment

Two things.

It's getting harder and harder to be a parent these days. All the good forms of punishment have been taken away.

There are times I'd love to reach for my belt, form a leather loop and smack my daughters on the behind (just as my father did to me) but I'm told that is no longer acceptable.

I can't take away TV. They don't watch much TV. And even if I did pull the plug, they'd only resort to their bedrooms and sign on to their Hulu or Netflix accounts and watch whatever it is they watch on their computer.

And I can't take away their computer since that's where all their homework is done.

I have fewer options than the Green Bay Packers have viable quarterbacks.

Thing #2.

Every time I pick up my iPhone or my iPad there a dozen new selfies of my youngest daughter. The collection is mammoth. Abby is to selfies, what Kim Jung Un is to poorly staged press releases.

Well, I didn't spend decades in the Creative Department without being able to put two disparate items together to form a solution.

Allow me to elaborate.

Last week, I got a phone call at midnight. My daughter was spending the night at one of her friends house in Pacific Palisades, a good half hour from Culver City. Abby was in tears and asked if I could pick her up.


She wouldn't explain and she didn't have to. A father knows when it's time to halt the Bible study, throw on the flip flops and get in the car.

When I arrived at her friend's house, I was greeted by a burly beat cop standing at the front door.

"Is one of these kids (pointing at a dozen or so teens) yours?", he asked.

"That one's mine," I replied.

"Have a nice night," he said motioning for us to simply go.

Later, I was to find out there was alcohol, pot and fireworks -- the triumvirate of teenage stupidity -- involved.

In the pantheon of teenager offenses, it was all kind of laughable. But, I have a blog and I know how to use it. And as of yet, I haven't heard my wife rule out the use of public shaming.

So next time my daughter decides to 'paint outside the lines', as it were, you, the Round Seventeen reader will be treated to one of the less flattering Abby selfies I have in my possession.

And believe me, I have plenty of them.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

From a purple stater

Following the attacks of September 11th, 2001, my political views took a hard turn to the right.

I suspect I was not alone in that sentiment.

Granted George Bush is an intellectual lightweight, long on faith but short on morality, but at least he took a definitive stance against Arab terrorism.

And yes, we should have focused on Al Queda in Afghanistan and not ventured into Iraq. But there is no arguing that the world is a better and safer place without Saddam Hussein. No weapons of mass destruction were found, but you'd also have a hard time finding the 300,000 Kurds murdered by Saddam.

Recently, we have witnessed the onset of the Arab Spring and the failed revolutions in Libya and Egypt. I still believe that Arab political incompetence, the millineum-old Shia-Sunni rift and Islamic fundamentalism represent the greatest threat to mankind.

But I'm no Bush apologist.

And his bungling of the war efforts, his handling of the Katrina crises and his failure to avert the financial meltdown in 2007/2008 have swung me back to the left.

I couldn't be happier that President Obama has abolished "don't ask, don't tell". Or, that he doesn't create policy based on whispers in his ear from God. Or, that he believes all Americans should have some form of health care.

Frankly, I don't understand the Republican opposition to this. We spend trillions of dollars defending against foreign invaders or foreign attacks. Is it that different than foreign bacteria? Particularly, if the result, in all cases, is dead Americans.

Perhaps the Affordable Care Act should have been packaged as a defense expenditure?

But the pendulum has not stopped swinging.

Good intentions will only go so far. The roll out of Obamacare looks like it was commandeered by Captain Hazelwood, of Exxon Valdez fame.

It's a complete facepalm.

On the facepalm scale of 1-10, the failed rollout is a 25,732, the number of Americans who have successfully navigated the website and signed up for the plan.

Between the forced cancellations and the enrollment website debacle, I don't know how the President can show his face in public anymore. I'm just spitballing here, but perhaps he could have put off one golf outing and had Kathleen Sebelius walk him through the wire frames before launching the site.

If the President is smart, and I believe he is, he should turn this into an opportunity to demonstrate bi-partisanship. In order to make his self-imposed deadline of a complete fix by November 30, maybe he should appoint a Republican with proven leadership ability and administrative prowess.

Yes, she is functionally brain dead and would have a hard time with the Sudoku puzzle in the back of a Club Penguin Pamphlet.

But seriously, could she do any worse?

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Glory Days

Yesterday I spoke about the annual rite of the year end agency review.

It is by no means the only regular occurrence in the ad world. Particularly here in Southern California, where all the automotive companies are located.

That's right I'm talking about the Lexus December-to-Remember Sales Event. Perhaps you've seen one of their commercials with the $50,000 car topped with a big red bow.

Thanks to Facebook, I just saw a sneak preview of their latest version in this loooooong-running campaign. It's clear from the production values and the exotic locations, they sunk millions into the new spot.

I'm not here to pass judgment. But years ago, when I was running the Jaguar account for Y&R, we spoofed the red bow motif with a series of year end sales events of our own.

While we were shooting the pre-approved scripts, we had an idea for a simple one-take spot. We weren't sure the client would take too kindly to the subject matter, so we went all surreptitious on her.

During a lunch break we had an account executive keep her stalled in the Winnebago. We grabbed two of the actors on the set and had them stand by the Jaguar with the red bow. We told them the premise of the spot and took the lens cap off the camera.

We had it in the can in less than 15 minutes, just as the client was finishing up her dessert of lemon meringue pie. Each actor got a standard $600 bump in their paycheck. And apart from the minimal time, spent in post-production, the spot was virtually FREE.

Weeks later, we showed it to the Jaguar client(s), who laughed out loud and agreed that is was funnier than all the scripts they had watered-down and focused-grouped to death.

Possibly because it had that rarest of qualities, human truth.

They made us change son-of-a-bitch to jerk.

And then, they never ran it on TV.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Shaking in the bush, boss

It might happen today.

It might happen tomorrow.

But there can be no doubt, it will happen soon.

A Fortune 500 company will put out a press release announcing an advertising agency review.

"We have been extremely satisfied with ________, _____ & ______. Their creative execution and strategic insight have been impeccable and have served us well for more than 32 years. However, with the changing social media landscape and the emergence of new global markets we feel compelled to trash this veneer of respect and loyalty and explore all options. We look forward to being wined, dined and in some cases, provided with mounds of cocaine and expensive escorts."

This will set off an all-too-familiar chain of events.

There will be blood in the water.

The holding company war lords will move their pieces around, figuring out the best point of attack.

Motivational staff memos will be written. With empty promises of fame, glory and wealth. After all, no one gets bonuses or raises until these guys get paid.

And finally, vacations, those much-needed breaks from the demoralizing grind that is advertising today, will be canceled.

Thanksgiving won't be spent sitting around the fireplace, watching the Detroit Lions lose and eating turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.

Thanksgiving will spent at the cubicle farm. With cold coffee and muttering co-workers. Although some overly-perky assistant who mistakenly believes she can turn those frowns upside down, will bring in special Thanksgiving pizza, topped with turkey, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie.

And Christmas?

Well, that's sacred. So agency bosses will insist everybody leave the office by 9 PM on Christmas Eve. And not come in until noon on Christmas Day.

You know, just like last year.

New Year's Day is when millions of American make their resolutions and vow to change the habits that have blackened their lungs, rotted their livers or chewed through their nasal membranes.

In that spirit of change, the all-knowing powers that be in the agency world will ditch the brief everyone has been working against for the last two months and proclaim, with no hint of irony, "we have a new strategic direction."

If you sense I'm grumbling, you're not reading this correctly.

As a staff guy, this annual ritual would make my blood boil. But as an atheist freelancer with no regard for the holidays and an insatiable desire to work, this kind of nonsense only makes my Stay-Out-Of-A-Dirty-Nursing-Home-Retirement account swell.

For me, this really is The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

I love the Internet

As some of you might know, I like to amuse myself, and occasionally others, by poking fun at Kim Jung Un. Apparently his name is spelled Kim Jong Un, but I made the initial mistake of spelling his name with a U and I'm sticking with it.

I try to make daily additions to the collection on a tumblr called

But this post isn't about Kim Jung Un. Or, his accomplished father, Kim Jung Il, who, on his first golf outing hit an astounding 11 holes in one.

This is about tumblr.

I'll be the first to admit that prior to signing up for my tumblr account I knew very little about this emerging social media platform. I only knew it was similar to instagram. They're both visually driven venues that operate a little different than Facebook or linkedin or even Twitter.

I don't have a network of tumblr friends. That is, people I converse with or exchange ideas with, I simply have followers. I don't know them. They don't know me. However, in order for my Kim Jung Un tumblr to get more exposure and more traffic, I have to "follow" other tumblers.

And they have to follow me.

My daughters tried to explain the machinations to me, but every word out of their mouths is "like" and I can't listen to them for more than 5 minutes.

The long and the short of it is, I now have 147 faithful followers on tumblr.

Many of them are from Japan.
Many of them are into goth.
And tattoos.
And weed.
Lots and lots of weed.
And all of them are are very young.
So when I check my dashboard -- the equivalent of a Facebook newsfeed -- I see a lot of this:

A lot of them are into something called Manga porn, so I also see stuff like this:

That's offset by some of my tumblr followers who post beautiful pictures like these:

Which can be followed by something like this:

Or this:

Or even this:

But once in a while I will come across something that is truly magnificent and worth all the time lost to senseless browsing.

Something like this:

There's no point to all of this.
But as the Internet often proves, there doesn't have to be.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Pass the Mushu Pork, Please

If I were to ever own my own ad agency, and I've threatened such a scenario for years, the scope of services would be very limited.

1. We'd make the ads.
2. We'd manage the creation, production and distribution of the ads.
3. And then we'd bill the client.

We'd operate this way, not because those are the only areas where I have some expertise, but because anything else is superfluous.

Of course, that is NOT the general direction in which most agencies are going. And I should know, I have worked in all of them.

These days the scope of services goes way beyond the making of ads. Agencies today are more than willing to tell clients, and sell clients, profound insights as to what goes into making a culture.

A few weeks ago, I was working out of the cafeteria of a company that shall remain anonymous -- "The names have been changed to protect the inefficient."

There, I had the distinct pleasure of eavesdropping in on a "business" conversation by the Planners. I believe they are now called Cultural Experiential Anthropologists.

It was all so enlightening.

Had you squinted your eyes and employed a little cognitive dissonance you would have sworn you were in the living room of the local Tri-Delt House.

"So, let's talk about emoticons."

"OMG, I hate emoticons. And the people that use them."

"Hello, 2007 called and it wants its winky face back."

"Know what's worse than emoticons? Acroynms. LOL, ROFLOL, LMFAOLOL."

"Yeah. I can't stand acronyms."

"OMG, me too!" (from one girl who was impossibly more clueless than the others)

"How many of you have instagrammed a meal before?"

"Speaking of meals, look somebody just put leftover birthday cake on the counter."

By the way, I may be a hardcore atheist but I would put my hand on a Bible/Torah/Quran, or even Darwin's The Origin of a Species, and swear that the dialogue quoted above is a true word-for-word accounting.

At the conclusion of this Insight Farming Session (OK, that I made up, but I'm sure they had some jargon-y term for what had just transpired) somebody volunteered to compile all the "findings".

I'm sure a deck was made.
An invoice was generated.
And a check was blindly written by the client to pay for this groundbreaking research.

I can't help wondering how many dohickees/whatchamacallits/thiggamajigs the client has to sell just to cover this cost of this horse hockey.

I may not possess an MBA. Or a sophisticated knowledge of human behavior and the influence of a fractured media landscape. And I lack the ability to discern the intricate differences between a 'Pragmatic Charismatic' and a 'Practical Self-Actualizer.' But this, the above tale, is what passes for marketing and business acumen in the halls of corporate America in the year 2013.

And it explains why in 50 years we're all going to be speaking Mandarin.

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The cat in the hat

I'm not working today.

This is kind of rare as I like to work whenever possible. In fact, in the West Coast domain of freelancers, I'm often referred to as the "busiest freelancer in the business."

I'll be the first to admit, it has nothing to do with talent. I can name ten writers who are much better than me. But they don't need any additional ink. And I'm not going to give it to them.

Take that, Hepinstall.

I'm busy, through sheer determination and resourcefulness. I listen to industry gossip. I track down leads. I make the cold calls others are not willing to make. And I self promote. Probably to the point of humiliating myself, but I have three princesses to keep fed and clothed.

I'm also a slut.
Availing myself to anyone willing to cover my exorbitant day rate.
Though incredibly less exorbitant than my previously mentioned, hyper-talented colleagues.

If there's one thing I've learned in my decade-long tenure as a mercenary, it's that when an agency is looking for a Digital Copywriter they're not looking for me.

Part of that could be my age. I know when I walk into an agency these days there are whispers.

"Hey Tiffany, why is your grandfather here?" 


"Is that Bill Bernbach?"

Doesn't bother me.

The truth is, if it came down to a fight I could probably beat up 98% of the copywriters with staff jobs. I don't know why it would come to fisticuffs, but if it did, I'd be ready.

Not to get too meta, but another reason why I'm often overlooked for digital assignments is, ironically, this blog.

I, along with many other industry pundits, often poo-poo the value of digital advertising. And we often do it right here on the Internet. It's such a target-rich environment, I'd have a hard time not making fun of digital advertising.

By the way, if you ask the average consumer to name the most successful digital advertising effort, I have no doubt many would reply, "Burger King's Subservient Chicken." That launched in 2004!

You and I may be aware of other notable Titanium-Lion worthy campaigns. But the buying public is not. Nor, I believe, are they waiting for the next one.

Finally, there's this. If you were to look at my online portfolio, you'd see I cut my teeth doing TV, radio, print and outdoor. You might fail to see that I have done quite a bit in the digital world. Fact is, I've done more than most digital copywriters. Oh and I could beat them up too.

I could take the time to list them all here. Or I could do something more effective and buy the accoutrements that would make me look the part. Cause you can't be a Digital Copywriter unless you've got the Digital Copywriter hat.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Killing us softly

The Chinese are kicking our ass.

They must be smart, because they spend one fifth of what we spend on military hardware and the armed services.

Their plan is not to bomb us. Or destroy our infrastructure. Or anything that would have a negative impact on the substantial investments they have made here on our mainland.

No, they are way too wily for that.

The Chinese plan, and it's quite nefarious, is to leverage our ungodly consumerism until we choke ourselves to death on their shabby goods.

We'll dig our own graves. And we'll do it with the HoleMaster KR 9000™.

The beauty of it all is we're willing participants in our demise.

Two weeks ago I purchased a new recumbent exercise bike to replace the Chinese-made NordicTrack that literally disintegrated in my garage. I did my research and decided the Diamondback 510SR would be a good choice. Had I dug a little further I would have discovered the Diamondback is also built in China.

Here's the ultimate irony.

A piece of machinery intended to add years to my life has managed to accomplish quite the opposite. Take one look at the assembly page instructions above and you will know why.

I am an unusually handy Jew.

It took me 16 hours, but I once installed a new garbage disposal under the kitchen sink. I have outfitted entire apartments in Ikea furniture. And I can change the oil and the tires on my car, though I often choose not to because I don't want the old lady across the street to ask me to do it for her.

The point is, I'm not one of those "soft" Ashkenazis. I trace my roots to Bulgaria and self-identify with the Sephardim, the one who can do for themselves.

But when it came to putting this damn recumbent bike together, I found myself in tears. Actually, I wasn't crying, my wife was. Something to the effect of, "Oh no, not again."

I don't know if you can make sense of the instructions, but somewhere between Step 23 and Step 24, I gave up. Mind you, I survived Advanced Calculus in college and know how to track shapes and figures moving in three dimensional space.

But I couldn't make heads or tails of these instructions, so I went with my gut. I connected wires that seemed to need connecting. Bolted pieces together that seemed to need bolting. And managed to put the whole damn thing together.

It doesn't look exactly like the picture on the box, but the important thing is it works.

Of course, now I have a lot of leftover pieces. Mostly washers, nuts and bolts.

I'm not laying down in this fight that crosses the Pacific. I take the extra hardware and mix it in with some coins and leave them on the table as a tip any time I go to a Chinese restaurant.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Hello darkness my old friend

I like sleeping.

Or, as Ralph Wiggum from The Simpsons says, "Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking."

But it appears the world has conspired to keep me from enjoying my beauty rest. Hence the face only a mother could love.

Whether it's the noise from the Backstage Bar, inconveniently located 1/4 mile from my house.

Or the bi-polar neighbor behind me, who feels compelled to build furniture or hit the punching bag at 3 AM.

Or, my next door neighbor with two barking, vicious pit bulls who I would most gladly pump full of lead, there's always something to keep me from my date with Morpheus.

Enter Rudolf Stefanich.

Rudolf is an Austrian industrial designer who is working on a device, that would stick on windows, and using advanced noise canceling technology, effectively silence the outside world.

You can read about it here and even see it in action with the video at the bottom of the article.

Right now the device is in the developmental stages. But I think we should we start diverting money from useless efforts like trying to cure cancer or stemming the disastrous effects of global warming, and funnel the funds directly to Rudolf.

Hell, I would gladly spend all the money I've saved for my daughter's college education to get my mitts on one, or several of these devices.

Besides, I hear they're doing good things at community colleges these days.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

From the trenches

Recognize this chap?

If you work in advertising you might know the scowl, the bulbous nose and the jutting chin that begs to be punched, belongs to Tony Kaye.

Kaballist Jew.
And self important ass clown.

If you haven't guessed, I'm not a fan of Mr. Kaye. In general, I'm not a fan of anyone who drinks their own Kool-Aid and believes that fame, power or some deluded notion of celebrity-ness entitles them to boorish behavior.

I mention all this because last week I came across a commercial on youtube that we had done with Tony Kaye way back when, during the craze. Our experience with him was not at all pleasant and actually came close to an exchange of fists.

I've told this story before but not with the video evidence that supports my position.

Allow me to rehash the incident.

We were filming in a warehouse near Riverside, CA. The scene involved a schlubby manager of a fictional company called A phone rings and the manager happily ignores it so we (the audience) could hear the message being left on the answering machine.

For some reason, Tony obstinately wanted to place the phone near the manager. We, the creative team, and the client (the people footing the bill) wanted to place the phone further away on a desk out of his reach.

A disagreement became an argument which then became an explosive display, the likes of which I have never witnessed on a set. Tony grabbed a wooden folding chair and swung it over his head smashing it on the concrete floor. Over and over again. All the while, screaming at the top of his lungs. Splintered wood filled the air, and through cloud of dust and particles of Douglas Fir, you could see the veins in his neck throbbing.

It was all very surreal.
And it was all so Tony Kaye.

When the wooden chair was no more, he stormed off the set and disappeared for 15 minutes.  He came back to the set as if nothing happened and started barking commands to his cinematographer.

I also barked a command to the DP and told him to stop. I then got in Tony's face, squared him right in the eye and said, "We're not shooting another frame of film until you apologize to everyone on this set, you bloviated asshole."

OK, I'm not sure those are the exact words I used, but there was no mistaking my anger. Tony yielded and put the phone where we wanted it. Where, as you can see from the video, it made the most sense.

I hadn't seen this spot in a very long time. And from the insignia on the top right hand side it looks like it was shortlisted at Cannes. Who knows, maybe it would have won had we followed Tony's course of action.

I don't really care.
To be honest, I'd gladly trade that meaningless Gold Lion for a war story like this.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

The Boss

You probably don't associate American actor Tommy Lee Jones with absurdist humor. He's stoic. Earnest. And hard-nosed. Mr. Jones has a face that could hammer nails.

But you must toss those preconceptions to the trash bin, along with yesterday's sushi.

Because last week I stumbled upon this little gem.

A compilation of Japanese commercials for Boss Coffee. It's iced coffee in a can. Generally, I don't drink canned beverages. Much less coffee, which should only be served hot. And black. But after viewing these spots, I may be a convert.

Mind you, I don't speak a word of Japanese. I'll say arigato to the sushi chefs as I leave a restaurant. And am fluent in Sapporo and Kirin Light. But that's the extent of my ability to converse with someone from The Land of the Rising Sun.

None of that stopped me from enjoying these spots. In fact, with repeated viewings I've only grown to understand them less and love them even more.

Of course, you may be considerably more linear than me. Perhaps asking yourself, "What the hell did I just see?" Well, you've taken the time to come to this blog, the least I can do is not send you away confused.

Using my Internet search engine, Google (a stock I recently I sold, just hours before it went up 130 points in one day) I discovered the story behind Boss Coffee.

Turns out Tommy Lee Jones is an alien from another planet. He was sent to Earth to learn of our ways and report back to superiors on his planet. His character, aptly named The Jones, takes on many different roles, from school principal to cab driver to Buddhist monk.

He finds humans confusing, driven by emotion and altogether irrational. Not way off the mark. But all is forgiven because The Jones also discovers the soothing, satisfying taste of Boss Coffee. Which he consumes in mass quantities.

A long time ago, my art director partner John Shirley and I set out some ground rules for ourselves. Or as my friend Ernie Schenck refers to it Creative No-Fly Zones. Our list of self imposed prohibitions was never very long, mostly because we're hacks and would do anything if it got a laugh.

At the top of that list was a promise to never do any commercials that involved aliens.


But after watching extra-terrestrial Tommy Lee Jones squeeze an undigested fish out of a pelican's throat, we might have to revisit that oath.


Monday, November 4, 2013

None for me, thank you.

On a recent trip to the doctor, I was told I have the body of a man 10 years younger than my actual age. In other words, I have the health of a 34 year old. Albeit, a fat 34 year old.

My strength is up.

My blood pressure and cholesterol are down.

And my resting heart beat is in the 50's. In my triathlon days, it was in the 40's.

I try not to take any of this for granted. Given a choice, I would take health over wealth in a heartbeat. Then again, if somebody had the power to offer me health or wealth, I'd ask that person or superpower why I couldn't have both?

To what do I attribute this unusual healthiness?

I believes it stems from my employment status, that is, my unemployment status. Technically, I don't have a job. I'm unemployed. Have been for close to 10 years. I'm part of that growing subculture of Americans known as freelancers.

I don't know where my next check is coming from.

I don't have an office. Or a cubicle. Or an assigned seat at the sweatshop…er, communal creative table. I don't have a paid vacation. I don't have any health insurance plans. And I won't be getting any novelty coffee mugs or unwearable Christmas socks because I don't have a Secret Santa for the upcoming holidays.

Frankly, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I see what goes on in offices, more specifically ad agency offices, and it makes my head spin. For instance, when I was a staffer, a woman from the Traffic Department would stop my desk and nag me about a status meeting at 3. Now meeting notices come via email. They come in bunches. On indecipherable Excel layouts. A diligent project manager can schedule status meetings well into the next decade. And often do.

And what about the process of coming up with creative solutions? The target used to move when I was on the corporate payroll. Today, targets are quite jittery. And move faster than a midnight cockroach. You need a daisy cutter to hit one.

Finally, the saying used to go, "There are too many cooks in the kitchen." Well, there were too many, but instead of logically thinning the herd and taking the decision-making process away from committees, agencies have gone the other direction and made the kitchen bigger. Much bigger.

Now, everybody gets a say in what goes out the door.

"Take these animatics down to the 7th floor and see if Bill, the Accounts Payable clerk, thinks we're delivering on the brief. Oh, and ask him if we should hold a little longer on the pack shot."

Years ago, on the plane during my life changing move from stressful New York to less-stresful California, I heard a wiser, older man tell his son something that has stuck with me over the years.

"Good health isn't about what you eat. It's about what you let eat you."

Well, with regards to work, I stopped dining at the company commissary a long time ago and have been brown bagging it ever since.

Happily and healthfully, I might add.