On toast

Just before my 65 year old ass got canned at PayPal Honey or PayPal, depending on who you're talking to,  I was told I won a new toaster. Apparently there were a bunch of appliances and stuff left over from a photo shoot.

Cool, I thought, this bright red Two Slice toaster, would look great on my kitchen counter.

Even cooler, it comes from SMEG, makers of fine kitchen appliances and producer of laughter from 14 year old boys suffering juvenile arrested development. And what a great conversation starter...

"Oh yeah, that's my toaster from SMEG. You don't know SMEG? Never heard of SMEG? You should download the SMEG app and check out all the wonderful SMEG goodies."

You're damn right I would say the name of the company as often as possible.

Then it occurred to me that I have already have a perfectly operational toaster oven from Black & Decker, also makers of the BD2000 Oscillating Multi Tool, among other industrial power tools. And a company that had expertise in mitering baseboards for a floor renovation could surely master the art of browning bread.

I'd show you a picture of mine, but that would require an hour's worth of scrubbing. And frankly a blog post about toast is simply not worth it. Here's what it looks like from the catalogue.

I think even the toast laymen can spot the difference. 

You see what the SMEG toaster and its retro finish has in visual and comical appeal, it sorely lacks in functionality. If for instance, I were carbo-loading for another 50 mile bike race/ride, I could fire up 4 pieces of toast in the BD 7000. Whereas, in the SMEG, either the mat black SMEG or the cherry red SMEG, can only tackle two pieces of toast at a time.

Moreover, what if my carbohydrate intake were in the form of a bagel or a baguette? How in the world would the SMEG handle such a tall toasting task?

And then there's the visibility consideration. I don't know about you but I'm very particular about the shade and texture of my toast. For me it lands somewhere just past golden but not quite brown. I like enough texture for the butter or margarine to get snagged along the way and seep into every nook and cranny. 

I'm sure the SMEG Makers have taken all that into account and with the help of AI. I'm equally sure the precision calibration of the heating module flicks flacks can produce perfect toast practically every time. But I'm Old School and like to keep an eye on my bread as it becomes toast. 

Finally, and I apologize in advance if this gets too graphic, there's the consequences of a possible catoastrophe -- burnt toast.

It happens to all of us. With the BD 7000 toaster oven I can easily pop open the door and air out the unfortunate remains of overzealous toasting. With the SMEG, and its vertical intake slits, the long lasting foul scent would not be so easy to dispose of. 

I can think of nothing worse than the SMEG-made aroma of burnt toast lingering for an indeterminate amount of time in my house.

That was was the deal breaker. So I traded the SMEG toaster for a new coffeemaker.  

Which I still haven't received.