Going Bionic

 

Assuming I get all the preliminaries, including a full physical, a Covid test, and cold turkey withdrawal from my nightly bourbon & bourbon libations, I am scheduled to get a new hip joint sometime in August.

As surgical operations go, I'm told this is the equivalent of removing a hangnail. 

In fact, given my excessively good health -- I've never even spent a night in a hospital -- I will be sliced open in the morning, my hip joint will ripped from its socket my mid morning, I'll be stitched up by noon, asleep on generous doses of Vicoden by 2PM and carted home by my wife who is dreading this more than me, by days end.

With the new hip joint in place, I'm told I'll be good as new. If not better. And that's music to this 44 year old's ears.

So the question remains, which hip joint will I receive? Naturally, I did my homework and looked into all my options.

I'm liking #3, the C-STEM™ AMT MARATHON™ Cemented Cup. Because let's face it had I not spent all those years running 10k's, triathlons and marathons, I would not be in this the-cartilage-is-gone, bone on bone situation.

I'm also digging the cool hollow framing. It reminds me of those sleek European bridges you might see in Seville, Spain or even Melbourne, Australia. 

However, I'm not sure I like the idea of having cement placed inside my body. The last thing I need is extra weight that nudge my BMI numbers into the Embarrassment Zone.

I'm also partial to # 7, the CORAI™Revision PINNACLE Multihole. The reasoning here could not be simpler. If a balljoint is supposed to have one hole, I have to believe that a balljoint with multiple holes is even better. And since the good folks at United Healthcare are picking up the tab for this affair, I figure it's time to go luxury.

Then again, there's something to be said for #8, the RECLAIM™ GRIPTION™TF, clearly the hip replacement preferred by 9 out of 10 manly men. Hell the name sounds like one of my father's old carpenter tools, "Hand me that Gription. And my coffee cup filled with scotch." 

And it's got all those gnarly looking green screws popping out of it. I like the thought of the doctor replacing my hip and then needing a sanitized Phillips Head screwdriver to finish off the deal. 

Grrrrrrr.

I'm not looking forward to the surgery. But I am looking forward to the recovery period. And my legitimate prescriptions for Vicodin...mmmm, Vicodin.