Illuminati (the Complete Boxed Set)

As many of you know, my adventure with Roland Kings, Illuminati handler to the stars, is over. He has stopped corresponding with me. And while that might sadden you, it surely saddens me.

As a service to faithful R17 readers, I have compiled the entire Illuminati saga into one excruciating long post.

Enjoy.

It started last week when I received a comment to a recent blog posting...

If you know me at all, you know I am fascinated by the Illuminati, Free Masons, the Trilateral Commission and the Bilderbergs. Mostly because at the root of all these nocturnal organizations is some classic thinly-veiled antisemitism.

So naturally, I responded...

Also naturally, because that's how these internet scams go, he responded...

I prefer to use the more convenient email interface...

He gleefully obliged...

Now, I'm getting excited....

Slow down grasshopper, there is still the important aplication(sp) to be filled out...

Holy shit this is getting good I thought. I'm receiving actual aplications from the Illuminati!

Roland is a smooth criminal and has an answer for everything...

And so I filled out the application...

I'm not sure I can string this out long enough to make another book, but I can amuse myself and hopefully you as well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   

Last time we spoke about this, I had just submitted my aplication to the Illuminati Recruitment Board and I was awaiting further instructions.

Roland Kings followed up my aplication with some more questions, which surprised me, They usually get to asking for money pretty quickly.

But as you'll see I'm game.

The whole Lucifer thing threw me, but not by much.

Having agreed to worship the Dark Lord, it seems I have passed all the tests and I'm ready to purchase the Illuminati Swag package.

There it is. The request for money. Now this shit starts getting fun.

And Roland doesn't miss a beat.

I have my hook sunk into his mouth.

The trick is to let out as much line as I can to string this thing out.

And we'll leave it there for now. But you should know the correspondence has been going back and forth. And I do plan on visiting a Western Union to send him some money. 

Stay tuned.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we last spoke of the Illuminati I had just told Roland, my "handler", that I couldn't make the $299 payment he desired because of a family emergency.

I told him my dog, Mantu, had eaten a bunch of yeast, flour, sugar and water and was having baked bowel movements.

But business is business and Roland wants to get down to it.

With not just one admonition to pay up, but two.

I'm not about to send him money. Yet. So I break out the stall techniques, which are always better with some visual aids.

Apparently Roland is unfazed by large shitmuffins.

You cool your jets mister. I have Roundseventeen fans who do not want to see this journey come to an end.

And, just to make Roland believe I am still an eager beaver, I add some special secret sauce...

But Roland, God bless him, I mean Lucifer bless him, has an answer for everything.

Does it all end here? 

Oh hell no.

Coming up: 

* I take my dog Mantu to Los Angeles for a Bundtemology.

* We meet Dr. Nick

*And we receive another Illuminati invitation from Beadle Walter

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you've been following at all you know I have had quite a few back and forth with Roland Kings, who had invited me to join the Illuminati.

It's not a real invitation at all but just the latest twist on the Nigerian Scam, which I know quite well.

I can't do a total recap, suffice to say I told Roland I had to fly to Los Angeles to get my dog Mantu a vital operation, in other words anything to delay sending the $299 for my Illuminati initiation kit.

I used the invitation from another scammer to throw Roland for a loop. He wisely chose to focus on me and my dog Mantu.

To calm my fears about the other invitation, he even had a friend of his, Dan Perry pose as an attorney and try to calm my fears. 

To keep this concise and moving along, I disposed of Jam Berry as quickly as possible.

Roland is laser focused about getting his money. And can you blame him?

Of course I've turned Nigerian procrastination into a high art. (Well, I like to think I have.)

I love how Roland keeps it personal, as if he really cares about my short legged furry friend.

But he's not getting any of my money until he starts divulging some secret Illuminati rituals, you know the good stuff.

And that gets us mostly caught up. Still to come: stories about Steve Guttenberg, Pebble Beach Golf Club memberships and transexual concubines.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope you are enjoying this Illuminati rabbit hole as much as I am.

When we last spoke, Roland Kings, my Illuminati "handler" told me there were no secret handshakes. I think he's holding out on the good stuff. Naturally he kept hounding me to wire him money but I know how to stall and keep the correspondence going.

Roland doesn't get many takers to his scam emails, so he obliges.

He's also curious about this rival offer.

So I muddy the waters even more to keep him guessing.

You would think a picture of a Corgi playing the saxophone would make him scratch his head and start to wonder if I was goofing on him, but you'd be wrong.

So it's time to take it up a notch.

This seems to have set him off.

For two days, I do not hear from Roland Kings, official Recruitment Officer for the Illustrious Illuminati. I feel like I have lost a friend, albeit a scamming, lying, fuckwad who is only interested in getting rich off the labor and dreams of others (sounds like our President.) 

But when all seems lost, it isn't.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we last visited Nigeria and my Illuminati recruiter, he was complimenting me for being smart. For not just sending money willy nilly to any Tom, Dick or Roland from Nigeria. He also said if I was no longer interested in joining he would not force me.

But I want in. I seriously want in.

But Roland is not keen on my unique solution.

And so the game is back on.

And on...

And of course, he obliges.

So, now it's time to up the ante.

And on that note I will leave you, until next week when actual money is exchanged.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we last left the Illuminati saga, I had visited the RIA Pay Transfer Station and given money to RuPaul, the cashier, to send to my "handler" in Abuja, Nigeria.

His response to receiving the money was, "OK."

He then demanded proof I had actually wired him the money, which I did.

But for some odd reason he wanted to know how much I sent.

Well, anyone who reads this blog knows I'm a man of my word.

But now Brother Roland suspects I don't want to be Illuminati. 

Of course I want to be Illuminati.

He claims I sent $2.49 and NOT the $249. Why would I do that? That's crazy talk.

Knowing that Shaft is hot on your trail is enough to scare any motherfucka. So Roland punches back.

But Shaft is on the case.

And I am not going to rest until Roland Kings sends me $246.51.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you've been following my Illuminati journey you know I have been going back and forth with Roland Kings for the last 6 weeks.

To catch you up, I wired money to Mr. Kings to cover my initiation costs. He claims I only sent him $2.49 when I should have sent $249.

If you know me you know I never welch on my word. Now I want my $246.51 cents back. And I have dispatched Detective John Shaft to Africa to hunt down my money.

Roland was not amused and ignored my warnings. But I am nothing if not relentless.

And so I tried to reason with him.

His answer was short and sweet.

And I thought I'd give him one last shot.

Sadly he has not responded.

It appears the game is over. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I really was looking forward to getting my red fez hat.

The good news is if you enjoyed these escapades, there's a good chance you'll enjoy a book I published a little more ten years ago. It's chock full of these shenanigans.

And it makes a lovely stocking stuffer.

Mecka Läcka Hi, Locka Hiney Ho!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------