Thursday, December 13, 2018

The crimes are getting bigger and the letters are getting longer

Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.
Me: No cheap jokes about his name.

Here's your Thursday Thrashing letter to the junior representative from Kansas, Senator Jerry Moron.




Senator Jerry Moran
Dirksen Senate Office Bldg. #521
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Moran,

Can you smell it Senator? 

I can smell it. 
65% of Americans can smell it. 
It's the sweet, fragrant aroma of mean, impeachment.

Last week, your president (from this point forward to be referred to as Individual #1 or Clueless, Hogbellied Gudgeon #1 or Fusty, Fishbrained Twatwaffle #1) was named in a federal sentencing memo as an unindicted co-conspirator in the commission of criminal violations of Federal Election Campaign Laws.

That's not just a mouthful. That's a mind full.

Think about it Jerry, the Ill-tempered, Ill-informed Imbecile #1 sitting at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., the schmuck who could, with one too many Diet Cokes and the flick of an undersized stubby finger, blow the planet to smithereens, is a legitimate criminal.

While you ponder that, let me explain that I've been writing letters to all 53 of the United States Republican Senators. You're number 36 or 37, to be honest, I've lost count. Sorry. 

But this letter is special. Why is this letter different from all the others? Well, for one thing, sometime in the near future this letter will be published, with all the others, in a book. And as a service to my readers I feel the need to mix things up.

So today, unlike previous letters to your colleagues, I'm not going to harangue you about all the shitty policies you've endorsed and or the fascist, hypocritical legislation you've supported.

You see this letter is not about what you've done. It's about what you will no doubt do.

And what makes me so prescient? I'm not. But you see Senator, not only are you exceedingly vanilla and excruciatingly uninspired, you are also painfully predictable.

Torturously so.

Therefore, to know how you will proceed with the upcoming impeachment trial for Captain Fuckknuckle #1, we need only to see how you voted in the impeachment hearing for a previous president, Bill Clinton.

And here's where it gets so interesting.

While you were a member of the House representing the great and scholarly state of Kansas, you unsurprisingly voted with the Republican majority to impeach Clinton for lying about his dalliances with Monica Lewinsky.

Not only were you quick on the draw to whip out the impeachment bomb, you, Senator Moran, felt the need to pile on and do a little grandstanding, telling a reporter from the Washington Post...

“Having to make a choice, I choose to be on the side that says no person is above the law; that this is a nation of laws, not men; that telling the truth matters; and that we should expect our public officials to conduct themselves in compliance with the highest ethical standards.”

Lordy, if that could all fit on T-shirt, I'd commit those beautiful, articulate, inspirational words to ink.

If I were to understand that correctly, I assume you would apply those same "high ethical standards", when it comes to time to judge He-Who-Consumes-No-Information-But-Buckets-of-Crispy-Kentucky-Fried-Chicken.

Because, let's be honest, banging a porn star and then doling out $130,000 (a week before the election) to hush the horsefaced one (his words, not mine) is certainly not kosher. Nor is money laundering, obstruction of justice or conspiring with Russkis to steal an American election.

Therefore it goes without saying and it's a simple slam-dunk that you will vote FOR impeaching the 45th Precedent of the United States of America. Right? Because you said, "no man is above the law" and that "telling the truth matters."

You said that.

But who are we kidding, Jerry? We both know, we all know, you're NOT going to do the right thing and vote for impeachment. You're simply not. I'd bet one of my two semi-functioning testicles on it. And here's why I'm so confident.

Like all Republican senators, your unwavering, unfathomable, and partisan, patriotism-free predictability is surpassed only by your equally predictable hypocrisy.

Have a nice day, Senator Hypocrite.

Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA 90232

PS. I believe I am due some credit/points for my restraint and for not reaching for the easy joke by calling you Senator Moron, which I'm sure you've never heard before.

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