That's it?

Yesterday, you may recall, I devoted an entire piece to IHOP and their new pancake heavy campaign. If you like to see me on my less ranty, less angry, less cantankerous days, I suggest you scroll down for that piece of atypical RoundSeventeen.

Today, we turn our attention to McDonalds.

We also return to form.

About a year ago, the brilliant marketing officers at Mickey D's announced they were NOT HAPPY with the current iteration of their worldwide and national campaigns. Sales were off. Brand awareness was down. And the fish filet sandwiches were going bad.

So they did what any multi-billion dollar global corporation would do -- they blamed their ad agency.

And then they did the second thing any clueless global corporation would do, they hired consultants and conducted a year long, cashapolluza agency review.

All the big agencies were invited. And all leapt out of their party dresses to participate. Throwing huge piles of money at the RFP in hopes of landing the mother of all fast food accounts. It goes without saying they also emptied their reserves to bring in freelancers who would help in this clown-footed Herculian task.

I know this because all my freelance friends were called in.

And all were swimming in greenbacks. For some reason, perhaps because of this blog or because of my advanced 44 years of age, I was not. Instead of hawking Big Mac's, quarter pounders and McRib samiches, I was left to pimp banner ads for local clients, like Kathy's House of Katheters and The WingNut Stop, America's premier wing nut supplier since 1918.

But here's my beef, if you'll pardon the pun.

The review was more than a year ago. The account was split between two big holding companies. Dedicated account teams were formed. I believe they went so far as to set up separate entities that would be solely committed to the McDonald's enterprise. With artisanal corporate names like "Big M" or "Team Arches" or even something more cryptic like, "Area 47."

So where is the work?

I suspect it's out there. I just haven't noticed it. Mostly, because there's nothing to notice.

It's happy saccharine people. Conjoined in multi-ethnic pods of three or four that would never happen in real life. All gushing, biting and smiling, over soggy burgers and even soggier french fries.

In other words, it's the same campaign they had with their previous ad agency only now it has the thinnest veneer of newness after a committee of brain dead marketing officers threw a billion dollars in the nearest toilet.

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-I'm loving it.


Postscript: I could write and create an entire campaign based solely on the photo above. Imagine Ronald McDonald being hauled off by two kidnappers in fake policemen uniforms. It's the perfect beginning that could spin off into a series of spots with store surveillance, random notes, private investigators, payoffs and all kinds of fun shenanigans. But I suspect the client would prefer some perky blond at the counter singing about the McPick Two.