Mississippi's Finest

Following last week's Thanksgiving break, we are ready to resume the series of Thursday Thrashing letters.

Today's missive goes out to Roger Wicker, a career politician who has managed to see that Mississippi maintain its prized status as the stupidest, poorest and most miserable state in all of America.

Good job Rog, I'm sure when you come up for re-election, Mississippi will still hold that crown.

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11.29.18

Senator Roger Wicker

555 Dirksen Senate Office Building

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Wicker,

It certainly makes sense that I write to you today, as the great, prestigious and scholarly state of Mississippi, Home of the Hemp Necktie, is currently in the news.

Naturally this letter should be going to newly elected Grand Wizardress Cindy Hyde Smith, however she has already been crossed off the list of my yearlong letter writing campaign to all the US Republican Senators.

And so Senator your number is up. 

And what a fortuitous number, it is.

After my morning mint julep, I took the liberty of using The Google and to read up on your lifetime of career achievements. If I might say so, finding you was like hitting the Mega Millions Super Powerball of GOP Ineptitude.

You are the quintessential Republican Senator and check off every box of Senatorial Unsuitability. 

And then some.

Let's go back to 2015 when you, a man of no scientific standing whatsoever, were the only Senator to vote against an amendment declaring climate change is real. I mention this because just this week, a staff of credentialed White House scientists found otherwise. 

I can only assume that, like Precedent Shitgibbon, you are one of those people blessed with superior intelligence and despite the hard data, simply don't believe in global warming. 

I'm also going to give you the benefit of the doubt and suggest your principled stand had nothing to do with the vast amounts of money you have accepted from the Oil and Gas Industry. Nor the unlimited guest account they have set up for you at Butchie's Beef & Reef Roadhouse on Route 39, just outside of Biloxi.

"Can I get more melted butter? And a new bib? I don't want to get any lobster juice on my new khakis."  

Of course your hillbilly perspective on climate change is just the tip of the Ignorant Iceberg.

Who can forget that time you asked the Navy to prohibit a secular humanist to serve in the Chaplain Corps and administer to soldiers who might not share your beliefs in a Magic Sky Daddy? 

Adding, "It is troubling that the Navy could allow a self-avowed atheist to serve in the Chaplain Corps."

I hate to trouble you even more, Roger, but you have a full-fledged atheist, a money grubbing atheist at that, currently living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

You don't believe Captain Fuckknuckle is a real Christian, do you? If you're going to buy that jackassery about his favorite book, Two Corinthians, then I'd like to sell you 3BR, 2BA townhome in Boca Raton that just needs a little tender loving care. 

Also, because I can see from your bio how devout you are, how exactly do you square your silence with your president separating kids from their mothers, locking them in cages, lobbing tear gas (even the safe kind) at women and children and actively aiding and abetting the cover up of a premeditated murder by the Saudi Prince? 

Maybe this Northern Jew is ignorant of all the teachings in the New Testament, but I'd seriously like to find the passages that absolve you of having a conscience.

Finally, since you were in the Air Force for 27 years, I'd love to know how you bit your tongue and stayed below the radar when Commander Jizztrumpet attacked Admiral McRayven, the man in charge of the Bin Laden takedown, and accused him of being some kind of Democratic political operative.

If attacking a decorated soldier like Admiral McRayven wasn't wrong enough, wouldn't you at least agree the President of the United States ought to have laid a wreath at Arlington Cemetery on Veteran's Day!

Let's for a moment consider the consequences if the black president had done that.

I know for a fact, as sure as the cotton grows in Tupelo, you and millions of your Mississippi Minute Men would be scouting the hills, looking for good proper hanging trees.

Best,

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232