Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement. A day when Jews deny themselves all types of earthly pleasure and commit themselves to the Host of Hosts, praying, fasting, repenting, and repeating until the sun goes down.
That said, I'm pretty sure none of my Tribe brothers and sisters are reading the blog today. So, let's commence with the heresy.
It's no secret, I'm an atheist. Sometimes a militaristic atheist. It's just too self important of us to think that in the vast stretches of time and space that our minds cannot comprehend, our actions, our transgressions and our dietary practices have any significance.
And yet, perhaps out of habit or just out of respect, I will be fasting as well. I won't be doing any atoning because frankly I haven't done anything wrong in the past year. OK, maybe a little atoning. Nevertheless I will be abstaining from food (that's easy) as well as alcohol (considerably harder.)
I'll also be updating this blog throughout the day, so that you, my gentile audience, can get a sense of what Yom Kippur is all about.
Stay tuned.
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Day of Atonement
6:54 AM
I was awakened early by the growling in my stomach. It's been twelve hours since my last meal and nothing has passed my lips. Except for a chalky antacid, taken just before I went to sleep last night.
"...and the Lord said thou belly shall remain empty so that ye may know the discomfort and pain ye hast inflicted on others. And should thou experience a burning within thy belly thou shalt not find relief in a Minty Pepcid AC."
One Demerit
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Day of Atonement
10:37 AM
These are the bagels that will be toasted and schmeered with salty white fish salad and fresh lox in a little less than 8 hours from now. While snapping the picture I remembered that back in April I had made a bagel run and forgot to get my wife some fresh squeezed OJ. Moreover, afterwards I stubbornly insisted she never asked for fresh squeezed Orange Juice.
Not getting requested beverage -- One Demerit
Not listening to wife -- One Demerit
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Day of Atonement
12:41 PM
Just read passage from Stormy Daniels (star of Pussy Sweat and working with Pride II) and her description of the penis belonging to the President of the United States. Hunger level decreased by 37%.
Not Making Wisecrack about Yeti Pubes -- One Atonement Point
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Day of Atonement
2:01PM
Received new Woodward book and have plowed through three solid chapters of scheming, backstabbing and career opportunism.
Shamelessly Plugging My Own Book -- Two Demerit Points
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Day of Atonement
4:22 PM
Walked the dog to the bank to deposit check. She decided she had some "business of her own to conduct. Right in the middle of the crosswalk.
Touching money on Yom Kippur -- One Demerit Point
Picking up poop in the middle of crosswalk -- One Karma Point
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This will be the last update, as we are in the homestretch and plan to eat as soon as possible so that I can provide my body vital calories and stop it from going into shock.
Happy New Year
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