Thursday, September 13, 2018

That's right, he's a US Senator

You probably don't recognize Mike Lee, the junior Senator from the great state of Utah. And by junior, I mean he's 138 years younger than Senator Orrin Hatch, who took office when Brigham Young was writing about Magic Underwear.

But do not be fooled by his relative obscurity.

Senator Lee made a name for himself at last week's Judicial confirmation hearings.

Read all about the GOP's rising new brilliant star...



Senator Mike Lee
361A Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Senator Mike Lee,

This country is full of naysayers. 

Negative Nancies who have little or no faith in our government. People who are so upset with what they perceive as corruption, incompetence and outright horsecockery in Washington, DC, they view politicians as lower than a NYC pizza rat.

I might have applied for membership in that club, but after seeing your rigorous interrogation of Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh this week, my outlook on our future is decidedly more optimistic.

For the past 6 months or so, I've been writing letters to every Republican US Senator. You are letter #27. But if I can be quite frank with you, I had you inked for somewhere in the low 40's. That is, until I caught your Clarence Darrow-like performance on C-SPAN.

I'm no lawyer; I'm just a lowly advertising copywriter who delusionally sees himself tilting at windmills. And though I'm a little better versed in the law, thanks to the nightly antics of our merkin-sporting Shitgibbon in the White House, it should be noted I'm just a rank legal amateur.

Nonetheless, I know juris-brilliance when I see it. 

And since this letter is not only directed at you but will be published on my blog (20,000+ monthly viewers) and eventually a book, I'll take the liberty of transcribing what can only be described as a seminal moment in our nation's history. 

Because given the opportunity, and dare I say, the privilege of passing judgment on a candidate who will sit for a lifetime on the highest court of our land, taking his place beside judicial luminaries like Justice Marshall, Justice Frankfurter, and Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, you went with this...

LEE: I have a very important question for you. (Scratching head for emphasis)

KAVANAUGH hunches over in anticipation.

LEE: I notice that you take a lot of notes. And I respect that. you're paying close attention. (DRAMATIC PAUSE)  You use a Sharpie. And it's not a fine tip Sharpie. It's uh...regular Sharpie (making childlike circular motion) That might smudge and make a mess...why do you prefer that pen?

AUDIENCE chuckles.

LEE: (drawing on his deep legal background) I'm just dying of curiosity.

KAVANAUGH: (stunned by the surgical precision of Lee's interrogatory skills) Uhhh.... so I can see it. It's nothing scientific.

AUDIENCE chuckles again

LEE: That is a perfect mic-drop moment.

Ipso facto. 

Take that Kamala Harris and Patrick Leahy and Cory Booker. That is how you conduct the people's business. 

Forget all that Roe v. Wade nonsense. Or campaign finance reform. Or what constitutes an assault weapon and what is simply a gun with a high capacity magazine that can mow down 20 schoolchildren in less than a minute.  The good folks of America, the real people, want to get to the bottom of the writing utensil mystery. 

Thank you Mikey. I don't know why people hold Harvard Law School in such high regard when it has become painfully clear, that your alma mater, Brigham Young, has produced our nation's finest legal scholars.

There can be no doubt this highly charged electric moment will find its way to the silver screen. Perhaps the next generation's Henry Fonda or jimmy Stewart will bring your stellar insight to life in a performance that will live on for the ages.

Who knows, maybe this epochal moment is only a preview of greater things to come from Senator Mike Lee?

Lee 2020?


Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA


Bonus material from the senator's website...


george tannenbaum said...

Hey, watch what you say about New York City pizza rats.
Some of my best friends are....

ad7am said...

Good freakin' grief.