Bidet 2024

As I went about taking Lucy (my dog) out for her morning constitutional, I had been giving thought about what I would blog about today. One thing stuck in my craw. But then I thought, it's a very sensitive area. And I'd have to be very restrained on the matter. 

Restraint is hardly my strong suit and can often result in IBS.

When I returned from our walk, carrying a green disposable bag of Lucy's business, I noticed the Amazon guy had been here and left a box on my front stoop. 

Like many of you I wondered what had come. 

These days I often forget what Me and Jack Daniels had purchased a few nights ago. I was hoping it would be that collection of 3 comfy fall weather shirts, since my closet has been effectively thinned out, along with my shrinking torso.

Instead, it was my brand new Bidet. The Luxe Bidet Neo 185 with slide-in installation, 360 degree self clean mode and UV resistant material.  

I never thought of myself as a Bidet guy. 

The conversion happened in Canada, a few weeks ago while Ms. Muse and I were staying at a hotel in Vancouver about to board a cruise ship the next morning towards Alaska. I never thought of myself as a cruise guy either, but I'm all about trying new things. Except broccolini. Cruciferous vegetables, though good for the digestive system, will never pass these lips.

Our Canadian bathroom featured a full fledged bidet toilet -- not just the fancy add ons like the Neo 185 (I love products that end with a number, so Matrix like.)

This thing had everything. Hot and cold running water. Two wands for extra coverage. A laser guided dryer. Turbo Mode in case you also wanted to hose down the shower. I'm not sure, but I think there was also an option for a light show upon the completion of your business.

In short, it was amazing!

It was at that point that I vowed to get my own bidet. 

I'm about to head out of town for the weekend and will not have time to install it. Nor to give a much anticipated test drive. And I know you'll all want a full throated description of its operation and aquatic performance, but that will have to wait.

But I'm already calculating the money I won't be spending on Toilet Paper. Or a new toilet auger (look it up) to replace the old one that collapsed from overuse. 

Most of all, I'm looking forward to that clean, fresh minty feeling I'll be able to enjoy all day long.

Damnit, I didn't get the expensive ultra-luxury model with the minty water cartridge.