Let it Rain

Recognize this guy?

If you're a regular reader of R17 and given to a daily dose of caffeine-fueled and uncarefully crafted cynicism, you're probably not a fan of him. Or his old time religion.

His name is Joel Osteen. And I love him. Though not in the same way his parishioners do.

You see he's a Prophet for Profit.
A Father of Fortune.
He's a High Priest in the Clergy of Cash.

You get the picture. If you don't get the picture, please send $19.95 to P.O. Box Suckers 2019, Louisville, Kentucky.

Mr. Osteen (and by the way I might have more faith in the man if his name was Ostein, my people know a little about turning a dime into a dollar) is but one of a handful who show up on late night TV.

Years ago, you might remember I had been following Mr. Peter Popoff, another rainmaker sent to us by the good lord.

I even took the time to write out a small check to his "ministry."

In return I not only landed on a perpetual mailing list, I received a weekly deliverance of goodies including the "Anointing Oil of Guaranteed Annual Income", a swath of polyester fabric that was said to be a replica of the robes worn by Jesus and a miniaturized prayer bracelet that could be used to weather difficult financial times, like a drop in the stock market or an unplanned government shutdown.

To his credit Joel Osteen is not the shabby sheister, Peter Popoff is.

He is slicker, has more charisma and is slightly more secular in his approach. Hence the 6 private jets, the multiple mansions/compounds and the $2000 Italian suits that eluded Popoff, who was frankly more fond of flashy sport coats sold during a 2 for 1 sale at Jos. A Banks.

If his "sermons" and promises of untold wealth were not so comical perhaps I would watch his show a little longer. As it is, I can only stomach this type flim-flammery in small snippets. But perhaps I will, in the interest of regular Roundseventeen readers, sign on the Osteen golden dotted line and subject myself to his particular brand of divine deception.

Maybe I'll do that as soon as I'm done with my current business affairs with a new Illuminati recruiter from Africa.

Oh, you didn't think I was going to stop at one, did you?

Stay Tuned.