Ground Rounds

This is Senator Marion Mike Rounds of South Dakota.

I'd bet half my net worth or fifty bucks, whichever is more enticing, that you've never heard of him.

Hell, the man is so unaccomplished, I'd bet the 38 people who live in South Dakota have never heard of him.

But I have.

Because contrary to my post of several days ago, no one knows more about Republican Senators than I do.

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1.16.19

Senator Mike Rounds

Hart Senate Office Building, Suite 502

Washington, DC 20510

Dear Mike,

Consider yourself lucky. 

Very lucky.

You see there's a good chance, owing to your anonymity and complete lack of achievement or charisma, you could have been the last letter in my personal campaign to write to each and every Republican Senator. As it is you're number 39 or 40.

Let's face it, there's no joy bringing up the rear of the line. But at least you can go to bed at night and sleep fitfully knowing you did not come in dead last.

The irony is, you're indebted to a Democratic colleague for having been spared that shame. Because last week when Precedent Shitgibbon (aka Mean Girl #1) mocked Senator Elizabeth Warren, you made it known that his tweets were harmful to South Dakota Native Americans who might have lost ancestors at the battle of Bighorn and Wounded Knee.

It was then, and only then, that 330 million Americans ever heard of you. By the way, why do you go  by Mike, and not your given name Marion? I think I know why.

Anyway, I've looked over your stunning record of standard Republican do nothing-ness and discovered you graduated from South Dakota State University, home of the Jackrabbits.

In light of your cookie cutter conservatism and inconspicuous incompetence, and to honor the mascot of your beloved alma mater, I thought it would be far more interesting to go down the SDSU Jackrabbit hole.

For instance, if you were to walk onto the campus you'd stumble across the Daschle Research Library, named after former US Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle. A Democrat. That's gotta sting, doesn't it Marion?

Going even further into the jackrabbit hole, did you know that SDSU was also the home of Gene Amdahl, father of Amdahl's Law?

For the uninitiated, this is one of the pillars of modern day computer architecture.

Evolution according to Amdahl's law of the theoretical speedup is latency of the execution of a program in function of the number of processors executing it. The speedup is limited by the serial part of the program. For example, if 95% of the program can be parallelized, the theoretical maximum speedup using parallel computing would be 20 times.

I don't want to get all geeky on you, but early in my career, before I started rage venting against the GOP schmucks on Capitol Hill, I wrote advertising for Apple computers. So I can hold my own in a discussion about parallel processing, sequential transformation and of course, confibulated flick flacks. 

Suffice to say that when the next plaque at SDSU is embossed it'll probably bear Gene's name and not yours. 

I'm not sure what the college Regents have in mind for you. 

What do you do for the man who sought to eliminate a woman's right to choose?

Or offered green cards to foreigners in exchange for shady investments in South Dakota beef processing plants? Mmmmm, beef.

Or opposed any legislation regarding the 3-D printing of handguns? Mmmm, guns.

But let's not ignore your stalwart support and leadership in Ducks Unlimited, an organization "committed to the conservation of wetlands and associated upland habitats for waterfowl, other wildlife."  Mostly so you can kill them, let's be honest.

Hey, there's an idea. 

The appropriately named: The Marion Rounds Memorial Duck Blind. A lasting testament to your deceitfulness, predatory inclinations and your homespun lack of vision.

Best regards,

Rich Siegel

siegelrich@mac.com

Culver City, CA 90232