Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Popping off on Popoff

As some of you might know I've started a tumblr and a running collection of odd Kim Jung Un photo's with my own captions. I don't know why I've kept it going, other than the fact that Kim Jung Un, the world's most inept despot, is the gift that keeps on giving.

Through tumblr, I made contact with someone who appears to work for the official North Korean Public Relations Department. He has turned me on to a treasure trove of new, never-seen-before photos, which I will naturally be doctoring for my own twisted purposes.

The other gift that keeps on giving is Rev. Peter Popoff.

He runs a TV ministry and is currently scamming thousands of people out of millions of dollars. He keeps his faithful not with the promises of salvation and eternal companionship with the Almighty, but with the empty hope that Jesus will somehow bestow great wealth upon his flock for following his arcane instructions.

Posing as the deceased English teacher who used to live in my house, I started a correspondence with the Popoff ministry. This relationship has paid off with surprising dividends. Nothing in the way of spiritual or financial enlightenment, but dividends nonetheless.

Take the packet of special Holy Land Anointing Oil (see above). It has a nice jasmine scent to it. I'm going to anoint my jacuzzi with this divine oil with the hope that it spreads the lord's tidings all over my swarthy Jewish body.

Speaking of Jews and appropriating Jewish culture, check out the replica of Joshua's Shofar, used to command the troops in the 7 Great Battles.

You may scoff at this diminutive trumpet, but I am confident that the sounding of this priestly instrument will summon the armies of righteousness to my side. And that I, Ruby Shipp, dead for more 20 years, will be "blessed with the wealth miracle of multiplication."

Wow, you must be thinking, Holy Anointing Oil AND a Shofar, how can Popoff stay in business giving away all these precious adornments of God? Well, that's what great men who have been called to the Lord's service do. They give. They don't take. They give until it hurts.

In his last mailing, the Prophet Popoff wrote, "Take this Holy Anointing Prosperity Bar of Soap. Wash the devil right out of your life and release a new beginnings covenant of supernatural provision upon your life for the rest of this year!"

That's some powerful stuff, I'm not sure however that the Prosperity Bar of Soap had not been used before...

As I was scrubbing the area between my oversized toes, the Holy Anointing Prosperity Bar of soap slipped from hands and disappeared down the drain.

I'm hoping it gets me enough prosperity to the end of June and the last payment on my daughter's private school.

1 comment:

Bob said...

As I have heard them all before, I must recuse myself from any jokes about blowing the Shofar. -Bob Shiffrar