Like a Boss

Despite what anybody might tell you, I live well within my means.

I drive a 10 year old used car. Some of the shirts in my closet are older than my daughters. And considering I break out the Braun portable shaver to administer my own haircuts, I spend more on dog grooming than I do for myself.

But last Saturday, I decided to go hog wild. To spend money as if it were going out of style.

I've always been fascinated by the local QuiK E Mart located near my house at the corner of Overland and Braddock, in the heart of Culver City. They not only have the most incredible selection of potables, from Absynthe to Zebra-Infused Wine Coolers, they have the widest selection of stuff this side of a 99 cent store.

It's as if a truck loaded with goods headed to an Islamabad Flea Circus tipped over and the QuiK E Mart owners were Johnny-on-the-Spot and grabbed as much as they could stuff in their 2005 Toyota Camry.

So I went on a $25 shopping spree and bought the most interesting, most useless crap I could find. Not because I needed it, but because I needed to find out what it would be like to live like carefree tycoon.

Feast your eyes on the booty...

First up, Tiger Balm. This set me back $2.39. I could've opted for the $2.19 package but chose to spend the extra 20 cents for the Red Extra Strength. Because when you're counting on useless Chinese herbal ointments for pain relief, that's what you do. Correction, that's what millionaires do.

This is $1.49 Nagchampa Red Incense Sticks. They're from Bombay. I'm curious to know what they will smell like, but will probably never find out because my wife said, "You're not lighting those in the house. Ever."

God bless the licensing genii at Disney. They found a Chinese factory who could put together a functioning Winnie-the-Pooh-endorsed calculator for just $1.99. That includes the battery. No wonder manufacturing jobs have left the United States.

Next up, not one but two 8" wood files. I wasn't planning any woodworking projects but at this price maybe I ought to?

Carpentry can make a man break out in a sweat. Thankfully, I have a cold bottle of Mamma Chia nearby, in thirst quenching Kale & Mint.

Finally, there's the Original Maxim Du-Rag. I've always wondered why wealthy football players wear these things and today I sated that burning curiosity.

You might be wondering what am I, a modest living Fat Jew, gonna do with a DuRag.

Happy New Year!