Monday, December 12, 2016

Brace yourself for greatness

You might think that with my yearly postings about the caganer and my equally numerous writings about dog shit and the shit-for-brain dog owners who let their dogs do their business on my lawn, that I'm some kind of fecalfeliac.

Today's ramblings will do little to dissuade you of that.

You see, the other night while watching Jeopardy and simultaneously reading the tweets from other viewers who have snarky comments to make about the contestants --and by the way, they always do -- my wife and I came across a commercial for Cologuard.

The astute among you might recognize that name as I penned an article about them earlier last year when the good folks at Cologuard ran a full page newspaper ad in the back of the LA Times. Pretty sure it was facing the Obituary page, which also makes for some entertaining reading.

For those unfamiliar, Cologuard promises to revolutionize the colon cancer screening process. Instead of visiting a doctor's office and having a micro-camera snorkel its way up your intestinal tract, they've   turned the process inside out.

By literally thinking inside the box.

Here's how it works. They will send you a pre-addressed, plastic-lined, logo-emblazoned box. Your duty, should you choose to accept it, is to capture some of your precious poop and send it back to the Cologuard poopy professionals.

I'm not do-doo-ing this any justice.

Let's go to the video tape.

Go ahead play it twice.

If any Youtube video is worthy of a Number 2 viewing, it's this one.

OK, I don't give it up often enough to my fellow copywriters. And I spend an inordinate amount of time crapping on their banal work, their lazy strategies and their lack of craftsmanship. But today, I stand, no, I get down on bended knee, and humble myself before this masterpiece.

"Just ship me to the lab," says the anthropomorphized box containing the aforementioned shit.

In our little world of taglines, ramplines, positioning lines and calls to action, etc., it just doesn't get any better than that. I doubt the copywriter who wrote that will ever top it.

In fact if it were me, and I'm raging with professional jealousy that it's not, I'd have my family tell the stonecutter to carve those classic words on my tombstone.

"Just ship me to the lab."

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