For the record I am still maintaining my news moratorium regarding the incoming "president." I have chosen not to capitolize the term, because he does not deserve the honor.
Speaking of honor-- those rituals that used to define and us and sustain democracy -- tradition is for flags to be flown at half mast following the death of a real US President, like Jimmy Carter. But that would cast a somber tone over the dreaded upcoming inauguration and I would bet the equity in my house that the monster will have nothing ruin his glorious day.
In that vein, I still consider this a Trump-free post. In that it only discusses the consequences of his action, not the sheer lunacy of his decisions. With that, let us travel to Greenland, the soon to be newest state in our union.
I have thoughtfully prepared a small travel itinerary for you, should you decide to make the trek to Kuuulivasken. In which case you'll want to switch travel agents because Kuuulivasken doesn't exist. But there are many places in Greenland, with an excess of vowels ("No thanks, I'm good Pat") that sound just like it.
Speaking of veins, if you were to go to the Isua Supracrustal Belt -- a real place -- you would find evidence of tectonic plate movement and the Oldest Chunk of Rock known to mankind. Estimated to be 3.8 billion years old. Confirmed by President Biden and president Trump to be the site of their very first debate.
After oooooing and ahhhhhing at the rock chunk, you might want to get in an Uuuuuuuber and make your way to the ancient Inuit settlement of Qilakitsoq to see the world's best preserved mummies, including 6 mommies, a young boy and an extremely young baby, who was buried alive.
When told of this amazing artifact, Trump immediately suggested selling scraps of the baby's clothing to wealthy bidders. Campaign staffers are already working on the banner ads.
Up for a little arctic golf? Have a dogsled take you to Qaanaaq -- the world's most northerly palindrome -- to visit Infrasound Station IS18. The outpost is fitted with the listening devices to monitor the earth's subsonic response to global warming (a Democratic hoax as we all know.)
When shown pictures of the village and its scenic views of Yuckmatook Bay, Trump scowled and said, "Infrasound equipment causes cancer. And it kills all the birds. You ever want to see a bird cemetery, you go to Greenland and look around. So many dead birds, like you've never seen before."
He added that with a little landscaping and some design help from Greg Norman, he plans to turn the rolling Qaanaaaqian hills into an exclusive golf course. Greenland's finest.
Don't delay. Make your plans now to visit Greenland, America's newest colonial conquest.
While you're there, try the Lumpfish Roe.
"Mmmm, lumpy."
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