Bring on the Dirt Nap

Dear R17 readers, I need help. I need help in the medical arena.

Thankfully it does not involve my recent surgery from two weeks ago. 

Nor the Steri-Strips™ which cover the 11 sutures and are supposed to dissolve with each passing shower. I see no signs of their fading away, despite my 3 showers a day. In fact I'm convinced they have fused themselves to my skin and I will have to purchase new underwear that either hides their hideous appearance or matches their unflattering color. 

As the picture above would indicate, I need help in the healthcare coverage area. Good night nurse, could they make it anymore confusing?

You might be thinking, "How does a grown man, who has circled the sun 65 successful times, not know a thing about healthcare insurance?" 

I may have six decades plus under my belt, but the truth is I have the reading comprehension (and the maturity) of a 14 year old. That's not aided by insurance companies, who willfully mangle the English language and create policies and plans that remain indecipherable to a nuclear physicist. Or someone who understands Shakespeare.

I am neither.

Earlier this year, the fine folks at PayPal said they no longer required my copywriting services.

"We've had enough of your wordplay, your wisecracking, your 'when I was at Chiat/Day we did it this way.' Please pack up your virtual equipment and turn in your front entrance badge."

As I was being shown the equally-virtual front door, they unexpectedly handed me a generous severance package. Perhaps I had a valid ageism lawsuit waiting to be initiated, but frankly I'm as bad reading legal documents as I am with insurance claims and just pocketed their going away gifts. Which included healthcare coverage until 12/31/23 -- a date that is quickly approaching.

Not wanting to fall into any bureaucratic crevices, I also thought it'd be wise to sign up for Medicare. I signed up for parts A & B. It was painless and straightforward. 

Or so I thought.

Because now, before this year ends, I'm told I also need parts C & D!!! 

What? 

C covers eyes, ears and calve muscles. 

D covers throat, nose and any organ that has a bladder.

E, I assume, covers biceps, tongues and toes number 1-7.

You think I jest, just wait until getting out of bed or a leather chair requires a full body fulcrum and an industrial grade hand winch.

This morning, while writing this very piece and searching for an appropriate visual, I discovered there's also an omnibus plan that covers everything and includes hospital visits, doctor visits, drugs, and toes number 1-10.

Sadly, enrollment for that plan is only available on May 19, from 10:00 AM to 10:15 AM. And you need a lottery number to even get in line.

Please advise.