Tuesday, March 30, 2021

The Fountain of Deuce

I live with Europhiles. 

Three of them to be exact.

My wife has been all over Europe. My youngest daughter did a semester in Prague. My oldest did a semester in Kenya, but only after traversing the seed of western civilization. And now they are itching for a return trip to the motherland -- my DNA is 99.9% derived from the European continent.

So it came as no surprise that my oldest had developed a yearning for a bidet. Especially after being bombarded by the online ad campaign from the good folks at Tushy.

She led it be known in no uncertain terms, lacking all manner of subtlety...

"After 5000 years of civilization I can't believe we're still wiping up our butts with toilet paper. Think of how many trees had to die just we can walk around with no dingleberries. It's not good for the planet. There's got to be a better way to clean our asses."

"Ok, great, can you pass the mashed potatoes?"

Her 25th birthday was a two weeks ago. And while I normally let my wife handle the gift buying duties, it occurred to me I could score major brownie (intentional) points with my daughter if I got her the Tushy Bidet. 

Upon unwrapping her gift, her eyes lit up and she blurted (also intentional) out, "Oh my god I can't wait to take a dump." 

Yeah, that's how we roll in the Siegel household.

As with all DIY projects there were hitches. The skirted toilet -- that's a technical term -- imported from Scandinavia, made it impossible for me to reach the connector valve. The foot wide space between the toilet and the immovable vanity also presented a problem for this girthy Bob Vila.

And so I had to order an adapter that drew water from the connection by the main valve. What the Tushy people describe as a 10 minute operation turned into a 30 minute screamfest, as these projects always do. I needed to re-set the washer on one the flex pipe joint connectors to stop the spraying of water outside the bowl.

I'm happy to report it worked. And this morning my daughter had her first successful bidet use on US soil.

This was followed by...

"That was fun. I can't wait til I have to take a dump again."

That's my little influencer schpiel, other than the difficulties on my end (again, intentional) the whole operation was pretty simple. And should you feel inclined to get a Tushy Bidet, know that also receive a funny little manual, printed on brown toilet paper. These guys and gals must have shit their pants (last one) while working on this stuff.

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