Planet of the Ape Tails

I am tonsorially curious.

In years past I have sported the Mohawk. The No Hawk. And Sans Hawk. If only briefly. Just long enough to make my wife say...

"what are you doing? Get back in the bathroom and shave your head the right way."

And while nothing but stubble grows on my cranium now, I am still blessed with an amazing and rapid capacity to don a 1 o'clock shadow. My beard starts growing back even before I've rinsed the lather off my face. 

Moreover, for longer than I can remember I have what many call a thick "porn stache."

So you can imagine how I perked up when articles started floating around the internet about the latest tonsorial craze to sweep the nation's jawline: The MonkeyTail.

Naturally my wife and daughters were aghast to see the MonkeyTail and equally flabbergasted when I told them of my intention to join the MT Brigade.

In all my research on monkey tailing, I could not find any instruction manual for crafting the perfect simian appendage. I think when it comes to monkey tails every man and circus freak show woman is on their own.

I'm no surgeon with a razor, nor handy with many power tools. And I've got a house full of crooked nails and poorly installed screws to prove it. So my plan is simple. 

I'm just let the chin flag flow. I'll grow my beard, and my mustache, out as much as I can. Then, when it resembles a hairy N95 face mask, I will mow down the hairs under one side of my mustache and trim the beard on the corresponding side for that full, fluffy monkey tail effect.

But I won't end there.

You see, once I turned 44 years of age my facial hair went white. Very, very white. And while I believe there are some rare monkeys in Central Africa that lack pigmentation, I don't think it's going to give me the desired effect. Surprisingly few people have ever seen the Silverback gorilla.

In which case, I will have to do what I have never done and shop the useless vanity aisle at the local Target and pick up a box of Grecian Formula™ or Just For Men™.

Who knows, maybe some entrepreneurial company is unto all this new fad and will come up with Just for Monkeytails™.

Homesapien digits, crossed.