Today's Topic: Mushroom

If I were to ask you to name the largest living thing on Earth you might be tempted to go with The Blue Whale. Or the Sperm Whale. Or the Grey Whale. To be honest, I have no ideas what separates the species.

If I were to narrow it down a little ask you to name the largest living thing on dry land, you might answer the Elephant. Or at one time, the Brontosaurus. Or Stegasaurus. Or something something-aurus, again, I'm an idiot when it comes to dinosaurs, but my nephew knows for sure.

If I were to narrow it down even further and ask you to name the largest living, plant or animal, you might pick the Giant Sequoia. Ditto.

But we live in a world inhabited not just by plants and animals, but by organisms.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the lowly Mushroom. Or in this case, the not so lowly Oregon Honey Mushroom, the largest living organism on the planet. It's tucked away, fittingly, in Eastern Oregon, home to many Nazis and White Supremacists, and other bottom feeders.

Scientitians say the Mushroom can be more than 8,000 years old. Older than Joe Biden. And it covers more than 2200 acres, more than Precedent Shitgibbon's combover hair. If you were to scoop it up from the ground, it's estimated it would weigh up to 3500 tons.

You might be wondering why I'm so suddenly fascinated by mushrooms.

I had no choice as they have suddenly invaded my yard.

Moreover, the neighbors have invaded my yard, meaning people walking up and down the street have stopped to take snapshots of this fungal phenomena (Fungal Phenomena, great name for a band.)

Last week some old codger -- funny how I see older folks and make derisive comments about them yet fail to realize that at 44 years old I'm quickly becoming an old codger myself -- stopped to take some pictures with his big Cellular One flip phone. I stopped what I was doing, probably watch Sara Cooper videos or making my own memes about Captain Ouchie Foot, and stepped outside to chat with Grandpa.

Good thing I did. Because he explained what I was seeing in my yard, was literally just the tip of the fungal (love that word) iceberg. He said there was probably a gargantuan mushroom growing beneath the surface, eating up dead organisms, as fungi were made to to do.

All of which made sense because years ago we had cut down a huge tree in our yard. A tree with an invasive root system. The dead roots were left underground. And now, apparently, the mushroom had started eating away at it.

I asked Methusalah what I should do about the explosion of mushrooms on my lawn.

He said to do nothing. Let the ugly mushroom do its job, eventually this tentacled organism will scarf up as much as it can, and the unsightly, possibly toxic fungus will go away. And in a strange turn of events the decay from the mushroom will serve as nutrients for healthy, beautiful plants.

I know there's a metaphor in there somewhere.