The Celebrity Game

Last week, there was a little game floating around Facebook and social media. It didn't catch on like other very popular frivolities foisted upon Americans by sneaky Chinese software developers for the purpose of harvesting your data, like "if you were a Legume, which one would you be."

Maybe it did catch on and I just didn't see it because I've been kind of busy at work and discovering the joys of Zoom fatigue.

I may not be up on all my pop internet culture, but I recognize an easy blog posting when I see one.

So here goes.

The idea is to list 5 celebrities I have met and ask friends and family to spot the one celebrity who was an unmitigated buttwipe. Here are my five:

1. Drew Carey
2. Tommy Lasorda
3. Will Arnett
4. Helen Hunt
5. Bill Maher

As a student of human behavior and someone who considers himself a good observationalist, I'm gonna say most of you selected #5 Bill Maher. His unmistakable snobbery and intellectual arrogance can be smelled from quite a distance. So he would be a natural first pick.

Guess what? You'd be wrong.

In fact, you'd be wrong if you picked any of the above, because the truth is they were all quite unpleasant, to wit...

1. We, my old partner john Shirley and I, met Drew Carey while on the set of his ABC show. He agreed to give us an hour out of his busy day to shoot a promo for his show. And he did it grudgingly. We were there to promote HIS goddamned show. So what's with all the attitude Drew?

Many of the stars on network TV can't be bothered to carve out a little time to promote their own stupid, shitty shows. The funniest moment came when he complained about being under the hot 10K lights and wanted a Diet Pepsi. Watching 20 PA's scramble at full speed to get Mr. Sweaty Celebrity a cool drink was one of the highlights in my pathetic career.

2. Tommy Lasorda was making a cameo appearance in one of our early Nissan commercials. He showed up late. Ate three servings of craft service lasagna. Gave us five takes. Reluctantly. And had his limo drive him back home. You know, just in time for dinner.

3.  On screen, Will Arnett comes off as smarmy, aloof, better than thou and smarmy. Let's just say it doesn't take a lot of acting chops for Will to pull that off.

4. Years ago we were shooting at a soundstage at Culver Studios, about a mile from my house. Half of that facility is now being converted to a huge Amazon hub. Lucky us. On the adjoining soundstage, they were filming Mad About You. It was there I met Paul Reiser, a funny, warm and genuinely mensch-y type guy. While we were there Paul introduced us to his co-star Helen Hunt, who was none of the above.

5. A long, long time ago, my partner John Shirley and I, as well as the entire team working on the ABC account, were invited to a gala black tie event in Pasadena. It was about as glitzy as an Oscars or Emmy  ceremony. The stars and their entourages were in full view and were mingling with the civilians. There was also an abundance of fancy food and an open bar with several types of yearning-to-be-sampled whiskeys.

Hours into the affair I encountered Mr. Maher on the patio. Perhaps it was the Knob Creek talking or perhaps it was the signature Siegel self-righteous indignation that led to this:

"So you don't like the new ABC campaign?"

"I think it's stupid and degrading," replied Bill, who like many celebrities was shorter than one would expect.

"Well my partner here and I were the ones who created it."

"I don't care it's still stupid and degrading."

(More heated conversation that I simply can't recall that culminated with the following)

"Well you're an asshole."

"You're an asshole too"

"Tell you what Bill, maybe we should take this outside?"

"We are outside, douchebag."

Bill was right we were standing outside. At that point, I'm pretty sure John Shirley dragged me away.

"Come on Rich, let's go back to the bar and try some of that Woodford Reserve."

As we walked away, John, who was equally proud of our efforts, lobbed one more missive Maher's way...

"You're an asshole."