Conversations with Hurty, Part 1

Hurty Speaks. The Little Voice Inside My Foot.


Last week I discovered I have a heel spur. I leaked the news on Facebook and received many snide comments from friends. They suggested, wrongly, that my new appendage was the result of my brief experimentation with vegetarianism.

What these ill-informed carnivores don't understand is that a heel spur is the years-long result of bone calcification exacerbated by undue stress from physical activity. I suspect it might have a little to do with my 25 years of running plus my recent bouts with cardio plyometrics.

That's the explanation given to me by my new expensive foot doctor. But I suspect something greater may be afoot.

It's said that after a certain amount of years on this earth a man begins to accumulate something called wisdom. Until this point, wisdom has eluded me. But perhaps, it is now on the horizon. Or at least ground level with the horizon.

I believe, and mind you I have no evidence to support this, that my bony heel spur is nothing less than my alter ego. It is the incarnation and naturally-calcified outgrowth of my moral and ethical compass. It is my newly found conscience. And I have named it Hurty.

Hurty is eager to speak his mind and was willing to sit down with me.


RS: According to Dr. Gurnick, as heel spurs go you are quite large, meaning you've been around for awhile, why did you decide to make yourself known now?


Hurty: That's a trick question, right? I've been at you for years. Remember that Plantar Fascitis in 2008, just before you ran the LA Marathon. That was me. But you decided to ignore me and foolishly walk it off. Maybe if you spent time less time angsting about the color of your stools and more time listening to your body we wouldn't be having this conversation.


RS: So maybe the P90X and the Insanity programs were not a good idea?


Hurty: It was a great idea. For the Beachbody corporation. Not for you. Did you really think that after shelling out 250 bucks for a bunch of DVDs you were going to get washboard abs? 


RS: But I worked hard and ate all the right foods...


Hurty: You could go on an all spinach diet and do 1000 Burpees a day, you're still not going to get six-pack abs. In fact there hasn't been a Siegel with six-pack abs since...I'm checking the Mormon genealogical database and I'm sorry to say there's never been a Siegel with six-pack abs.


RS: I brought you on the blog today because I thought you'd have some spiritual guidance and life course correction for me. I mean isn't that the job of an alter ego? Instead, you've chosen to berate and ridicule me. What's the deal?


Hurty: What's the deal, Fatty? It's coming up on noon. Time for my feeding. Break out the Vicoden.