On DNA

"How do you deal with such mishegas, it must be so stressful."

Those teasing words came from Ms. Muse. Thus my punishment/reward for the audacity of teaching this non-Hebraic woman from Glendora, CA, where one cannot even purchase a bagel from a supermarket, the joys/kvetches of Yiddish.

"Oh, so you're doing Jewish jokes?" I said.

"Well I am Jewish-adjacent now," she boasted.

There was no arguing that salient point. With the possible exception of noting that I was technically only Half Jewish, as my mother was a Scottish Shiksa convert. 

Moreover, that half is completely and often Atheist. 

But it did get me thinking that the 50% discount would have come in handy when I was growing up. I know this is sacriligious (and which Jews aren't?) but when Yom Kippur came around I could've completed my atoning abstention from food/drink/ and all manner of comfort for 12 hours, while my full blooded brethren suffered inordinately as they limped to the finish line, the Ne'ilah Service and bland cold blintzes.

Similarly, when Passover rolled around and the remembrance of God's mercy when he only killed all the firstborn babies of Egypt, my intake of matzo instead of bread could've only lasted for four days instead of the mandatory eight. 

"Pizza's here!"

BTW, that was a tagline I suggested for Pizza Hut, who didn't understand tapping into that unique moment when the doorbell rings and the salivary glands go to DefCon One. Nor did they understand it was a way to own the category. #FuckPizzaHut, I can say that now.

Of course, being Half Jewish is not without its downside. 

While we're discussing Jewish holidays, and yes I know there are lots of them, my childhood Hanukkah celebration -- really the only holiday a kid enjoys -- would have been shaved in half. Not that my parents showered us with gifts for more than a week. That would have gone counter to my father's legendary thriftiness as well as my mother's genetic frugality. 

If they were to have followed that 8-day tradition, more often celebrated by fellow tribe members with trust funds, I would have received a motorized toy, like a mechanical monster or such. Upon opening the gift I would have discovered it needed AA Batteries.

Those would have been dispensed as gifts on Day 2, Day 3, and so on and so forth.

Oy!

Not sure what good it does to rewrite my past as Half a Jew, but it does explain why I'm never able to negotiate a good price at the car dealership. 

PS. I'm obliged to add, well not exactly obliged, more like doghouse-averse, that this post was inspired by Ms. Muse.