Here come da judge

 I did a bad thing. Actually I did a good thing but it will probably turn out bad for me.

Months ago, while still living in Culver City, I kinda ignored a summons for jury duty. Ignored might be a little loaded. I conveniently forgot/lost the summons notice, because I was busy packing up all my stuff, 30 plus years worth of stuff, for my big move to Pasadena. I hadn't given it a second thought figuring the move would put me out of reach of Lady Justice. 

Is that what she's called?

Turns out the long arm of the law is a lot longer than I thought. Because I got a postcard from the Superior Court, which is kind of self aggrandizing, don't you agree? I guess the Inferior Courts are all down in Florida, where Aileen Cannon resides and presides over bucktoothed residents who wrestle alligators, or try to hump the mufflers of parked sports cars, or steal top secret documents and stash them in an unused bathroom at a shitty fleabag hotel.

I was threatened with a $1500 fine if I did not respond. 

So now, I'm going to jury duty. There's a chance I'll be excused. I'm 68 years old. I can explain how I often forget things. Or don't know why I walked into a room. Or how I can't remember whether my daughter or Ms. Muse have a distaste for ketchup. Turns out they both do.

Either way I know I'll get picked. I always do. Some people are said to be very photogenic and have a face for the camera. I have a face for jury duty. 

The last time I sat through jury selection, I literally heard a man from the back say the following...

"Your honor, I'd be happy to serve the court unless it's a case about a drunk driver. You've heard of MADD, Mothers against Drunk Driving? Well, I'm a member of DAMM, Drunks Against Mad Mothers."

No cap. Low key.

Moments after the giggling and other BS excuses were heard from the peanut gallery, this fool walked out of the courtroom with a Get Out of Jury Duty Card. I spent the next 2 and 1/2 weeks in a civil case listening to a guy whine about his foot hurting because of a botched ingrown toe nail removal and his plea for $7 million in damages.

But wait, its gets worse. Or better, depending on your appetite for schadenfreude. Not only do I have a face for jury duty, I also have the visage for Jury Duty Chairman. Both times I served, both times I got chosen for that esteemed position. 

My appearance won't happen until the beginning of the new year. I know you'll be on the edge of your seat  like you're at a Jamie Lee Curtis Screamathon, so I'll keep you updated.

BTW, we ruled unanimously against the Ouchie Foot guy. Although one snarky juror in the room offered to pay him with his court-provided tuna fish sandwich and a bag of stale Frito Chips. That got the biggest laugh in the room.

And made me wish I had said it.