Wakey wakey

Perhaps you heard. The General Mills account is up for review.

It's a big one. Total billing for the account is estimated to be $27 million. Roughly the same amount of money Peru spends on national defense.

The conditions of the review are quite brutal and indicative of the Death Spiral advertising agencies currently find themselves in.

There will be no stipend for the work, which promises to be labor intensive and expensive. All ideas, once presented, shall become property of the General Mills corporation. Oh and any agency that "wins" will not be guaranteed an AOR status or any commitment with regards to length of assignment. Nor will any checks be issued until 4 months have passed since receiving the invoice.

Rumor has it there are 30 agencies vying for this crown jewel of the sugary cereal world. Smell that? That's the unmistakable odor of unprincipled leadership and financial desperation.

I have not been pinged for the opportunity to participate in this peanutclusterfuck. But that doesn't mean I have no idea of how it will go. I do...

9:51 PM -- A creative team pushes themselves away from the Long Table of Mediocrity™, after 15 straight hours of "concepting" and goes to the kitchen to get some dinner. The Pad Thai Noodles are gone. So are the Spring Rolls. And the Spicy Chicken with Cashews. The only thing left is some cold soup and some limp clumps of broccoli that have been carefully removed from the Beef and Broccoli platter.

"Fuck", says the veteran art director.

1:28 AM -- The planners and strategists call for an emergency gathering of the creative department. Pencils go down as the Head Strategist, Ian Thorpeknuckle, announces his earth shattering findings.

"Guys, we just got some preliminary results from the focus groups. It's very exciting. Turns out breakfast is not the most important meal of the day. It's the most vital meal of the day."

"How does that change our work?" asks one cagey copywriter.

"It just does. Do we always have to be contrarian?" replies Ian.

4:43 AM -- The ACD Barry Stivitz completes his group review of the initial work. The CD, GCD, ECD and CCO are at home and have been since 7PM. they will not chime in on the work until a later date. For now, it's all in the capable hands of Barry, who, at 26 years of age is a CPG veteran.

"There are a lot of good ideas here. But, and I'm sure Ian will agree with me, I'm just not feeling the vitality. That's where we need to be."

(collective groan from the tired teams)

"Let's not get discouraged. We're talking about General Fucking Mills. This is a great opportunity. Who among us has not dreamed of stocking our portfolio with killer work for Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs? Let's go home. Get some rest. And be back here at 10, no 9:30, ready to absolutely Crush It™."

And so concludes Day One of the review.