Wednesday, May 15, 2019

The Return of the Illuminati

You'd think a grown man of 44, a man with a house, a wife, two college graduate daughters and several titles on aging automobiles, would have little or no appetite for sophomoric humor that in many cases is unabashedly juvenile and stupid.

And you'd be wrong.

I live for this stuff. It's why I became a copywriter and not the world's most puerile CPA.

With that, allow me to introduce you to our newest Illuminati recruiter, Mr. Donald. J Beckham.

It began when I received the following email:

CALL OR or chats with us on whatsapp +2349055796161 ,
Are you a business man or woman, political, musician, student, Do you want 
to be rich, famous, powerful in all your life, join the great brotherhood 
illuminati cult today and get instant sum of $5 million dollars in every 
week to start, and a free home anywhere you choose to live in this world 

A Cash Reward of USD $2,000,000.00
A New Sleek Dream CAR valued at $12,000,000 USD dollars
A Dream House bought in the country of your own choice
One Month holiday (fully paid) to your dream tourist
One year Golf Membership package
A V.I.P treatment in all Airports in the World
A total Lifestyle change
Access to Bohemian Grove
One Month booked Appointment with Top 5 world Leaders and Top 5 Celebrities 
in the World.

so contact us now or chats with us on whatsapp: +2349055796161 or email:

Keep in mind I receive emails like this twice a week. I don't have the time to answer all of them as I am knee deep in assignments for Harry's House of Catheters, but I had a good feeling about this one so I forwarded it to my gmail account and began the all-too-familiar process.

My recruiter bit at the bait immediately and wasted no time responding.

That's moving a little too fast for me. Besides I like to be kissed before I get screwed.

I like to set the ground rules early. Plus there's something satisfying about knowing he typed out the words Heywood Jablomi, and will have to do so for the remainder of our correspondence.

Oh look, he knows how to cut and paste straight from the Wiki page. Now the games can begin.

My recruiter even obliges me with a photo.

He sort of resembles David Letterman with funky eyebrows. 

We'll leave it there, until next week. but the astute reader will take notice of several seeds I have carefully planted. I started out by telling him I was in a hospital bed. This gives me a legit excuse for not responding right away. 

And because I'll be taking heavy medication for my anvil-induced brain injuries, I'll also have an excuse for any screw ups in logic or flights of fancy.

Finally, I left Don with the notion that I am expecting a big payday, you know from my lawsuit against the Acme Anvil Company. There's nothing like pushing the greed button. If he thinks I'm going to be a wealthy clod, there's literally nothing I can't say or do to him.

These are all self taught tricks of the scam baiting trade. 

Feel free to use them, should you ever get an recruitment offer and decide that you too would like to be a member of the Magnificent Men of the Illuminati. I'd include women, but they're way too smart for this shit.

1 comment:

HTWorks said...

A 12-million-dollar car? I'd like to know more about that. Make, model, year. And what color options?