Interview with a CFO

Normally the task of interviewing big ad agency Mucky Mucks falls on the able shoulders of my friend and fellow blogger George Tannenbaum. You might remember his insightful chat with the CESUWCWHOHPO (Chief Executive for Screwing Up Weekends for Creatives Who Otherwise Had Plans Officer) and the much shorter interview with the curt CFYO (Chief Fuck You Officer).

In any case, I've been asked to interview Bernie Beiglebaum, a real live CFO for a real live major Holding Company.

ME: How is the ad agency world these days?

BB: It's great. Are you kidding? I've only spent 1/3 of the big Christmas bonus from December.

ME: You got a bonus?

BB: We all got bonuses. And by all, I mean the people on the 59th floor. And the cost-efficiency consultants in the Cayman Islands.

ME: What about the ad agency people? The ones who make the ads? The pre-roll spots, the 72 X 128 banners, the brand activation events, and the Instagram carousels.

BB: You're going to have to speak English, son.

ME: Let's get down to it, how do you make money in 2019?

BB: Well, revenue is stagnant. And it appears it'll remain stagnant. So the trick is to upsize profits.

ME: How is that...

BB: It's simple, you shave every possible expense. No one gets an office anymore, that's a needless footprint expense. We put in long tables. And we eliminated natural light. We find spaces without windows.

ME: Huh?

BB: It changes bio-rhythms, so employees lose track of time. It's a Las Vegas casino trick. Colorful carpetting, no windows, no clocks, before you know it people are logging in ridiculous hours. We even bring in cheap shitty food to keep them at their desks longer.

ME: So you basically force them into sweatshop conditions in order to maximize labor and billable hours.

PAUSE

BB: I'm sorry, was there a question?

ME: Let's talk about this new phenomena... annualizing day rates.

BB: This was a little bit of genius. We get freelancers to agree to a day rate. Then we take that rate and figure out what they'd get paid if they were a full time employee, there's some major tax benefits for us. Then, we divide that annualized rate by the number of hours they'd work in a year.

ME: You divide by 2000 hours? Like a full time employee working 40 hours a week?

BB: No, we divide it by 2080 hours so it effectively lowers the day rate and saves us millions of dollars.

ME: But that would be like an employee working 52 weeks a year.

BB: Exactly.

ME: So the freelancer doesn't realize he or she has been cheated out of money until a month after the gig has been completed?

BB: I told you it was genius, didn't I?

ME: That doesn't seem to be fair.

BB: Fair? Pfffft. That's funny. Anybody ever tell you, you're funny kid.