Getting in the Ring

God is not done talking.

Last week, you might have read the ramblings from Rafael Bienvenido Cruz (Ted's daddy) who claims God sent a sign to Heidi, Mrs. Cruz. I don't know why our Lord, Host of Hosts, could not speak directly to Ted, perhaps Cruz was unreachable while forcibly kissing reluctant babies on the campaign stump.

Rafael claims God whispered, "Seek God's face, not God's hand."

This led Ted to believe that the Almighty was calling him to the White House.

"Lord, here I am, use me. I surrender to you, whatever you want." -- replied a genuflecting Theodore.

A phrase commonly used by submissive men in the company of $300 dominatrix escorts found on the backpages of Backpage.

Or so, I'm told.

But as I mentioned earlier, God was not done. After his chat with Mrs. Cruz, and after he told a gun-toting Uber driver in Michigan to mow down a half a dozen random folks in Kalamazoo, and after he instructed some skinny Somalians to strap on suicide vests and decimate a hotel in Africa, he tapped me on the shoulder.


GOD: Rich, I want you to run for President.

ME: God, I think you have the wrong narcissist.

GOD: I'm infallible, damnit. 

ME: But I'm an ad guy.

GOD: If you can figure out an ad brief, you can go to DC and straighten this mess out.

ME: I'm terrible at office politics. Have you seen all the knife wounds in my back?

GOD: Rich, don't know if you noticed, but this is the year of the non-politician.

ME: I'm not smart enough.

GOD: Hello. Donald Trump doesn't even know about the Nuclear Triad.

ME: I can think of a thousand reasons why I'm not fit for the office.

GOD: Only a thousand? Have you been watching any of the debates?

ME: Well, it would be nice to take care of some of the shit that's been bothering me. Like Graffiti.

GOD: Give them the Death Penalty.

ME: People who text while driving.

GOD: More Death Penalty.

ME: People who wash their cars during a drought.

GOD: Did I mention the Death Penalty?

ME: This is starting to sound good. But I'm having a really good year as a freelancer. If I became President of the United States, I'd have to take a serious pay cut.

GOD: I can't help you there. Good luck getting more money from a Republican Senate.