Wednesday, September 16, 2015

A dolphin ate my baby.

I'm a sucker for Click-bait headlines.

Man eats snake and you won't believe what happens.  Turns out the snake was cut up into little bits and fried in garlic oil. The guy got diarrhea.

Couple rents guesthouse to two-headed alien. The two headed alien turned out to be a ventriloquist from Uruguay traveling on a bad visa.

Aided by a bottlenose dolphin, woman gives birth to 9lbs. baby boy. OK, that one wasn't click bait.

This is a real thing. And it's happening more and more among the post-millennial crowd who swear by artisanally grown cilantro and homeopathic herbal cancer cures.

What the fuck is wrong with these people? I think they have their Trilby hats on too tight and are not getting enough oxygen to their progressive pea-sized brains.

I've lived in California a long time.
And have been exposed to all kinds of self-improvement bullshit.

I've heard friends talk about having their chakras re-aligned. I had the wheels on my old Nissan Pathfinder re-aligned, cost me 279 bucks.

I've seen people go on 10 day cleanses. "I'm on Day 8. Ground up lemon rinds for breakfast, lunch and dinner."

And I know several folks who have done the sweat lodge thing. I don't need to sit in a lodge made of twigs and sealed with lichen moss to fire up a sweat, I work in advertising and have clueless planners, indecisive creative directors and cowering clients to do the trick.


I'm an FDA-approved lover of Big Pharma. Two weeks ago, I started coming down with a chest cold. My doctor wrote me a scrip for an extra-strong anti-biotic, Prednizone (a steroid), two inhalers, and a bottle of codeine-enhanced antihistamine that not only provided a good buzz, but knocked the stuffing of that bronchitis.

Problem now is, because the bronchitis has been dispatched, I can't get any more refills on the cough medicine.

And that's how you know something is good. When the government says you can't have any more of it.

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