That's some good blood

You'll hear this from a lot of ex-New Yorkers, but the bagels and the pizza in Los Angeles, suck.

You'll also hear the reason why, the water.

New York water, counter-intuitively, tastes great. And it makes for the best dough, used in bagels and pizza. There are now LA bagel shops that import NY's finest, but in my mind, their products will never measure up to the legendary biales and onion bagels my father and I used to buy at a little shop off Horace Harding Blvd. in Flushing.

You know what else in the bread family sucks?
Matzo.

And it's that time of the year to go to the store and bring home the cardboard boxes of the cardboard bread.

Well, 2015 is going to be a little different.

Because this year we're going all foodie and making matzo the old school way. In the vernacular of the day, we're curating our own ingredients and holistically preparing artisan matzo the way it was meant to be prepared.

And as any Islamic cleric worth his jihad will tell you, that means we need to secure a few liters of fresh blood from the children of gentiles. Blood, like New York water, is the secret nectar that gives matzo its crave-worthy taste.

I'm not exactly sure how the tradition was born.

The way the story has been told to me, including 44 seder dinners, Pharaoh told the Hebrews to leave in great haste. So quickly indeed that the bread was not given time to rise.

But, according to these Islamic scholars, the same geniuses who prohibit women from driving and insist that they leave the house wrapped in a Coleman Pup Tent, these newly freed Hebrew slaves had enough time to slit the throats of little non-Jewish children, drain their non-Jewish blood and faithfully mix it in with the yeast and water to prepare the holy matzo.

If you can't trust an Islamic Scholar who can you trust?

In any case, we found a good recipe on Yelp.

So now my wife and I are off to the blood bank to sample the goyish hemoglobin and bring home some of that good red stuff.

The Yelp reviewer, Protocols984, says the B+ has a nice bouquet and finishes with a nice nutty flavor.

I'll let you know after the holidays.

For all my fellow gentile child-slaying Tribe members I wish you and yours a Pesach Sameach.