Tuesday, October 2, 2012

It's A Miracle

I am a sucker for infommercials.

Last year, I ordered the P90X extreme home fitness program. I completed the program and got stronger than I had ever been in my entire life. However I didn't get the 6-pack abs I had been promised. I suspect that had more to do with my affinity for cheese and bourbon than any shortcomings of the P90X program.

Following that I purchased the Insanity program. A week into that program, I had inflicted insane damage to my heels and begun my descent into plantar fascitis hell.

Two weeks ago, I stumbled across a program broadcast by the Peter Popoff Ministries. The right reverend promised his congregants that he could erase all their debt through the magic of his FREE Miracle Spring Water.

Taken at face, that may seem like an unusual claim. But this clergyman is market savvy. He knows there are those who will be skeptical of his silver tongue and his not-so-silver jet black hair. And so he turned the microphone over to those who not only found the Lord, but found miraculous money in their mailbox.

One convert tells the tale of how she was 4 months behind on her mortgage payments and was being threatened with foreclosure unless she could come up with $2271.38. A week after praying with Peter Popoff and presumably bathing in or drinking the Miracle Spring Water, she received a mysterious moneygram for $2271.38.

I don't know what I find more amazing. That Jesus would send the exact amount of money she needed to avoid being tossed into the streets or that Jesus would choose to send the money via Western Union.

In any case, I could not resist.

Despite living in my house for more than 20 years we still get mail addressed to the previous owner, Ruby Shipp. So I called the Peter Popoff Ministries under the guise of her name and expressed my interest in the FREE Miracle Spring Water.

This is what I received:

The foldout letter on the left is literally 6 pages long. And the mechanism for living a debt free life is quite complicated.

I will spare you all the details. But the first step is to return the unopened envelope with the green Jesus.

Curiosity got the best of me and I had to see what was inside. It was a weird oily packet with a small wood carved image of our Lord and Saviour. It should also be noted that Mr. Popoff requests a Prayer donation of $12 along with the unopened envelope.

I suspect if I actually send money back to the ministry they will overlook my procedural infraction.

And so dear readers, for your amusement, but mostly for mine, I have enclosed twelve dollars and the taped up mystery envelope and completed the first step down the Peter Popoff rabbit hole. I have no illusion that will produce any spiritual enlightenment or any debt cancellation.

At best, I'm just hoping to get twelve bucks worth of roundseventeen blog stories.

1 comment:

Jeff said...

For some reason, the words "swampland in Florida" come to mind.