Copywriter wanted. No, needed.

Found this on the sidewalk after my 3 mile run yesterday. I thought I was picking up trash but it turns out I may be picking up a new client. Clearly, Sister Haynes needs some help in the copywriting department.

Let’s look at her initial subhead: Guaranteed Results in 10 Hours.

An over-promise? I don’t know. Perhaps the Good Sister is blessed with miraculous curative powers. But look just above the call to action at the bottom of the ad. There, she guarantees results in THREE DAYS. Does this indicate a lack of confidence or just the need for some serious consistency?

Furthermore, she alludes to a Doctor, some assistant named GOD. Does she subcontract the work out to this Dr. GOD character or does she do the curing herself?

When I hire a soothsayer to pick my mutual funds or ease me of my embarrassing itches, I want to know who is doing the work.

And finally, Sister Haynes promises that “satisfaction is doubly guaranteed.” I am very unclear on this concept.

I’m not saying that if Sister Haynes entrusted me to write copy for her she would find herself leading a huge congregation in a shiny, crystal cathedral and driving a big new Cadillac Escalade, but I’m not not saying that either.

So here are my two free questions for the Sister:

“Can you pay my day rate?”

“When do I start?”