Reiki, don't call that number.

As mentioned several times on this blog, now in its 17th year, I am not a woo woo guy. This is especially true when it comes to medicine. I like science. I like things created by science, not some seed fertilized by warthog poop. And I like relying on medical remedies that have been tested, examined and given the green light by smiley men and women in white lab coats. 

My medicine cabinet is exclusively stocked with vials, salves and mouthwashes that have the FDA Seal of Approval. That faith is even extended to Pharmacists, who feel like quasi-doctors. Not that I always follow the dosages religiously. Given my history of dealing with bronchitis I feel that if one spoonful of codeine-enhanced cough syrup will take care of my ticklish lungs with a side order of euphoria, two spoonfuls will be even better.

My dogmatic approach applies elsewhere as well. For instance, if I'm outside or at a BBQ and I'm being bitten up by mosquitos and other gnatty insects, don't break out the citronella and expect that to suffice. I will not support the International Citronella Cartel. No sir. If I'm getting eaten alive, I want something with DDT in it. Something created in a lab to kill those bastards dead. Dead. Dead. 

And not some scented shit that will give the bugs a contact high.

Last week while browsing around a bookstore, I came across this card (see above) by the checkout counter. Maybe you've heard of Reiki. Maybe you haven't. In my 40 plus years of living in Southern California, I had. But had no idea what it was. So I pocketed the postcard ad suspecting it would make good grist for the cynical RoundSeventeen Mill.

I did the research, so you don't have to.

Here, in a photo that speaks 1389 words, is Reiki. 

No really, that it's. 

So if you're thinking, "Wait it's gonna cost me a C-note and a half for an hour's worth of someone laying hands on me?"

I'm not pulling your leg. Even telepathically. Here's is what Wikipedia (I know, not the best sourcing but I don't have time to do a deep dive) says about Reiki.

OK, I can see some value of laying down on a comfortable bed, closing my eyes and having someone rub my belly like I'm some kind of 68 year old Golden Retriever. But consider the second option.

You can have the 'laying on hands' done over the phone. Which conjures up vision of pathetic guys using their phones -- paying good money -- to call those old 976 numbers. 

You may be thinking, "What the hell is wrong with those people on the Left Coast? Can they get any crazier?"

Yes, yes they can. Here's the flip side of the card.

If you're in dire need of Reiki servicing, think how troubled your cat or cockatiel might be.