Swimmingly

Today you're getting a bonus edition of Geezer Internet Influencer. 

I don't normally do this, but as of late, and out of necessity, or what I deem to be a necessity, I have been buying stuff lately.

You might say I'm in SKI mode. That is, Spend the Kid's Inheritance. 

I'm told this is a true phenomena. And it makes sense considering the alternatives. I can't take the money with me to the next life. Though my understanding is, because of my militant atheism, I'm going straight to the Hot Place. And if there's a bar, which one would assume there will be many, I'd like to have some cash on hand to tip appropriately. 

The other alternative is to leave the not-so-insignificant dough to my daughters, who might reverse course and decide they do want to get married. With my luck it will be with some Ralph Kramden-like, get rich quick schnook who will want to pour my lifetime's worth of hard earned $$$ into something like a Bungie Chord Repair Shop. Or Gonzo, a new corn-based crypto currency.

No, thank you.

So I splurged and bought myself the Shockz Bone Conduction Swim Headphones™. BTW, that's not me in the picture up above. I never wear a swim cap.

If you know anything about Bone Conduction (which seriously could be a title from Stormy Daniels long list of filmography) you know the headphone does NOT actually go in the ear. 

Here's a better look for the one curious reader who is still with me at this point....

I know that's counterintuitive. Particularly if one wants to hear music, especially while churning through the 80 degree water with what a biased Ms. Muse described as a "beautiful, graceful freestyle stroke." Nevertheless, I decided to give the Shockz a shot. 

I must acknowledge that my conspicuous consumption has risen lately, due in large part to Amazon's free return shipping. I believe Bezos is making a big mistake to start charging for this, but then I'm no billionaire. 

I'm an involuntary semi-retired word mangler wrestling with the idea of pulling the trigger on my SS benefits before the GOP snatches it and spends it on a useless 25 foot high brick wall just outside Yuma. 

My first mile in the pool with the Shockz was shockingly disappointing. The sound was bass-y and muddled. You know it's bad when you can't distinguish between a Mark Knopfler tune and one from Bruce Springsteen. Maybe, I thought, I'll keep it for my bike riding. The sound was perfect outside the water.

Then I went back and read the instructions (note to self: read the damn directions you dumbass) and discovered the headphones have two modes: Normal and Swimming. I also discovered that the headphones came with long, deep earplugs and that would reduce the sound of the bubbling and breathing and enhance the sound of Santana and Sonny Boy Williamson.

Turns out the devil is in the details. Because the next day -- my obsessive swimming addiction is returning to form --was incredible. 

I plopped my formerly fat ass in the pool. Set my headphones/MP3 player to Shuffle (another thing I discovered in the instruction manual) and sailed through 1825 yards without a hitch. Just me, my old man Speedo and 2000 of my favorite songs EQ'ed and played flawlessly. 

I was, and thanks to the Shockz Bone Induction Swim Headphones™, in heaven.