Went Christmas tree shopping last weekend.
That may not seem like news to you, but for this 64-year old man with "Hebraic Seasonings" (again Thank You Aaron Sorkin for that colorful moniker) it was a First.
Bear in mind my mother was from Scotland and identified as an Episcopalian. Or Presbyterian. I always get my less dogmatic versions of Protestantism mixed up. Hence, one might say, Christmas Tree shopping is kind of in my blood.
But in all my years, I've never partaken. That is until Ms. Muse, lured me out to east Pasadena for the very detailed and meticulous selection of a Douglas Fir, for her festively decorated living room. To be completely honest I was dreading the experience.
Not because of any religious hesitancy as one might speculate. I'm not big on organized religion and remain loosely affiliated mostly for the jokes. And the latkes. And the halo effect of my more my exponentially more successful and accomplished mishbucha.
But being a X-mas Tree virgin I had no idea what to expect. Indeed, I was sure I was going to be put through a "7 hour death march all over the city to find the perfect tree", if I may quote Mila Kunis in the highly underrated movie, A Bad Mom's Christmas (if nothing else watch it for the Ty Swindell scene)
Nevertheless I was up to the task. It's funny what a man will do in return for tasty M&M blondies and delicious home cooked chocolate chip cookies.
Fortunately, Ms. Muse, who sometimes goes by the name Sheryl MacPhee, is quite clear minded and knew exactly what she wanted. And what she wanted to pay for it. Spoiler Alert: I had no idea what a Christmas Tree would cost and figured it'd be in the $35-$45 range, I was woefully wrong. And so off we were to Santa & Mike's, a block north of Foothill Blvd.
We looked at the Noble Firs, which were quite tall and wide, some topping 12 foot in height. And the smaller selection of Douglas Firs, which were equally impressive in their size. And then we moseyed over to the fresh cut choices which were trussed like a rib roast.
The proprietor at Santa & Mike, I'm assuming it was Mike, offered to cut one open for a better look. But, as it was pointed out to me, when fully splayed, had some very noticeable "holes", that is spots where there were no branches and one could see the trunk. This, I discovered was a no-no.
Mike slit the twine on another tree, shook off the dead needles, which emitted quite a scent, and we stood in admiration of a beautiful 6.5 foot tall Douglas Fir that was without holes and was symmetric in every way. This, I was told, was what non-Jews look for in a Christmas tree.
And so, after barely 25 minutes, we had a tree. And it was tethered to the top of the Honda CRX. Driven back to Sheryl's place. And carefully plunked down into the Christmas Tree stand/holder thigamajig.
Getting the tree to stand up straight, playing with the wing nuts, and passing inspection, took considerably longer. And required many drop-to-the-floor adjustments which resulted in much groaning and took a mighty toll on my tight Hebraic back.
A pain that can always be ameliorated by a delicious chocolate chip/walnut encrusted cookie.
Merry Christmas.
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