Monday, December 7, 2020

An R17 exclusive scoop


Noting the incompetency of the president's legal eagle elite strike force, including last week's remarkable release of intestinal gas on national TV by Rudy "I didn't fart" Giuliani, we at Roundseventeen decided to send one of our cub reporters to the Northeastern Philadelphia area to scour the dumpsters at the Four Seasons Total Landscaping headquarters.

It was well worth the price of a Coach ticket on Spirit Airlines and a one night stay at Murray's Roadside Adult Motel (with Color TV). 

Because there, buried below empty plastics bags of Grade A Horse Manure and several discarded broken rakes, our enterprising young intern uncovered several mimeographed copies of sworn affidavits from poll watchers in the Pennsylvania election. These affidavits apparently slipped through the greasy hands of the notoriously lascivious Mr. Giuliani as he was distracted by the inviting hole on a fertilizer spreader.

Discretion and fear of reprisal from the Preening Boys prevents me from displaying the actual affidavits, but I will provide verbatim excerpts that demonstrate the weakness of their "case."

" I was asked to observe the activities inside the ballot counting area, but it was almost impossible to see. There was a fat guy standing next to me and I swear he hadn't showered in three days. The BO was making the hairs in my nose stand on end. I didn't even know I had hairs in my nose. Plus they never told us what we should be looking for. They just said suspicious activity. I might have been able to see that, but I left my glasses in my apartment."

-- Anna K., sworn affidavit #284 q/v13 

"Dude, do you know how fucking cold it gets in Pennsylvania in November...oh shit am I allowed to cuss? Sorry. It was damn cold. And it was raining. It was good to finally get in the building. But all they had for us was Folgers coffee and samiches. The coffee wasn't even hot. And the tuna sandwich was wet. Man, you can't put too much mayo in the tuna. It loses all its texture. And then if the bread isn't toasted it slops out the side of the sandwich and lands on your new Doc Martins. Can I get reimbursed for that?"

--Jackie T., sworn affidavit #17178 f/32

"I'm not really political you know. But then this nice lady comes in the Tap N'Cap, where I just hanging out with Gus and Jimmy and Big Phil and says I can make 50 bucks if I come with her down the street to the ballot verifimication center. And I says to myself, sure why not. I didn't really understand what was going on there, but there was this hot chick, kind of squinting a lot, but still hot, you know what I'm saying. I went over to say Wass Up, but she didn't want anything to do with me. Pretty sure she was a lesbian. Anyway, I got my fifty bucks, went back to my apartment and splurged for the 3 Hour block of unlimited porn on my cable TV. Not a bad night. And I'll swear to that."

--Steve L., sworn affidavit #76290 f/17H

The reader should note these are sworn affidavits and will no doubt be submitted and reviewed by our 9 esteemed Supreme Court justices as they base the future of our Republic on the ramblings of these fine patriots. 

Putin got his money's worth.

1 comment:

tom cordner said...

Awesome for a man of your character.