Z XXL.

I received an unusual email last week on the interwebs.

That in and of itself is not noteworthy as I receive many odd emails on the interwebs. Including invitations to join the Illuminati, business opportunities with wealthy Nigerian dentists, fundraising ads from the 3,852,971 candidates running for office this November and of course, friend requests from young women looking for a sugar daddy, like this latest from Ciara...

I can't recall where I know Ciara from.

You'd think I'd remember a name like Ciara.

This particular email came from an organization named Z. They claim to be the Democratic counterpart to Q and/or Qanon.

The Z, they also call themselves Zebras because of their innate ability to blend in with their surroundings, have purportedly infiltrated the Trump Regime and have inside operatives in the ABYSS, the counterpart to the Deep State.

Like any direct mail piece of communication, they cleverly held off on the pitch for my precious money. And instead teased me to the end with countless tales of the horrific things going on behind the Orange Curtain.

According to their Z undercover operatives, working incognito at Mike Pompeo's State Department, laying low in Bill Barr's DOJ and skulking the hallways and closets of Vice President Pence, this is what we can look forward to if the president steals another election:

* The Killing of all Firstborn Males. If it sounds familiar it should, Inspired by tales told in Exodus and in Two Corinthians, the Republican Party is putting in place a plan to kill all firstborn males in America. It sounds absolutely insane and impossible, but it's been confirmed by various Zebras.

It's a preventative GOP action meant to stem any further resistance. But it's also a double edged sword, because when the corpses pile up (and again this is according to Z himself) top level Republicans will move into Phase 2 of their dastardly plan.

* All Night Necrophiliapaloozas. Oh yeah, you heard it here first. Apparently this is a deep dark secret previously only known to America's morticians and Funeral Directors. You thought the Democrats were bad had a monopoly on abhorrent behavior with their pedophilia and pizza topped with PINEAPPLE!!!

The thought of these corpulent, old moneyed men having their way with fresh new snowflake cadavers while wiping their bloody chins with hundred dollar bills brings new and eye opening meaning to the Grand Old Party.

But strap yourself in and prepare to white knuckle the armrest of your Herman Miller chair, because according to Z, the anonymous patriot who is willing to risk life and limb to get at the unfounded and evidence-less Truth, the rampant Republican necrophilia is only the appetizer plate for the real horror...

 * Cannibalism. The Golden Corpse Corral. All You Can Eat Libtard Smorgasboard. HombresTown Buffet. Call it whatever you want, but Z has it on good word, including an anonymous source on Gab and several Reddit boards, that Republicans are eating people. Young people, old people, skinny people and fat people. They're told fat people are the best because the meat just falls off the bones.

Moreover, Republicans and zealous Trumpsters are getting more and more brazen about their craven carnivorous delights. Ted Nugent is launching a new BBQ sauce. And Kanye West plans on releasing a new album entitled, "Pass the Salt." 

I know it all sounds so incredulous, so revolting and so outrageously implausible. Moreover, the people from Z have nothing in the way of evidence. Not a photo, not a document, not even a recording from Bob Woodward.

In other words, we have no reason to believe any of this.

Nevertheless, my new Z t-shirt arrives on Thursday.