Where are my Stork Beak pliers?

And so, we now begin the DIY phase of my life.

We recently borrowed a couple of palm sanders from our friends. My wife and I were determined to make right what had for years been wrong -- our butcher block kitchen island/counter. When the kitchen was being remodeled years ago our flaky painter Sergio skipped out on us.

We still owed him a few thousand dollars and he still owed us a proper finishing on the butcher block, which had always felt a bit sticky. As if he had used a shellac that was meant for a boat instead of a kitchen counter.

Well, we had had enough. And commenced with the palm sanding. It is only now that the nerve endings in our palms are getting over the incessant vibration.

I must say we were quite meticulous with the process. And while it took some time, we slowly made the familiar sandpaper progression, from the gritty 80 to the 100 to the 220 and then to the extra fine for a smooth as silk finish. When it was done the fine dust covered the kitchen and made it look like Tony Montana's office.

Hours later we lathered on the mineral oil and kicked ourselves in the ass for having waited so long to tackle the project.

Now we are bit.

As evidenced by my new Black and Decker PalmMaster 4000™ with patented SuckBag technology, pictured above.

You might be experiencing some cognitive dissonance trying to imagine me strapping on a tool belt and attempting to tackle anything more complicated than changing a light bulb. But I'll have you know I've successfully hard wired two motion detector lights outside, hung a chandelier-like lighting fixture in the dining room and in a moment that involved no LSD or hallucinogenic mushrooms, actually swapped out an under the sink garbage incinerator. The latter took me 8 hours and almost took my ring finger.

And while I won't be going on Home Advisor to list my services as a Handyman anytime soon, you should also know I come from the World's Best Do It Yourselfer -- my father.

When the Time/Life people introduced their Home Maintenance/Home Repair Series of color books, my father was on the phone saying, "Take My Money."

Before you could blink, those books were all over my house. And our garage began to resemble the hardware department at the local Sears and Roebuck.

My father had everything: miter saw, table saw, radial saw, two-handed router, sanders of all shapes and sizes, clamps, shivs, and mollybolts.

And he could do anything.

Bookshelves? Pffft, he could knock out a standalone bookshelf in half a day. He built an entire redwood sauna, complete with stones and a heater and a hand carved Finnish watering ladle imported from Lappeenranta, off the master bathroom.

If only I had some of my dad's precious tools and those handy dandy Time Life books. I could prepare for the upcoming Trumpocalypse and get started on my backyard H-bomb resistant underground bunker. With the built in hot tub.