Jury Doodie

Today I'm going tell a story I've already told on this forum. But I'm not doing it because I've run out of material or because it's a slow news day. I'm retelling this tale because this morning, some of us, are eagerly awaiting the verdict of a small trial taking place in Virginia, The United States of America vs. Paul "Manport" Manafort.

Who knows how this thing is going to go? Juries are funny. I know, from experience.

You see, whereas many of you look to avoid jury duty, I cherish it. I love watching our system in action.

A few years ago I was summoned to the courthouse in Inglewood. And unlike many of my peers, I answered all the questions truthfully, dare I suggest, even eloquently. Suffice to say I found myself "in the box."

After the case had been presented by a skilled district attorney, we were hustled off into the deliberation room. As soon as we sat at the big round table, and believe me I was disappointed it wasn't one of those long rectangular tables as seen in 12 Angry Men, things got interesting.  It began with an elderly black woman who turned to me and said...

"We need a Jury Foreman, it should be you," as she gently jabbed me in the shoulder with her long pink fingernail.

"Why is that?" I replied. 

"You sound smart."

And that was good enough for me.

I did what any newly-selected Jury Foreman does, I took a straw poll.

It was 11-1 guilty. But before I could get a word out to interrogate the one Not Guilty holdout, the lady with the pink fingernails shot out of her chair with the kind of energy one would not expect from a 73 year old woman.

"Boy, I'm gonna come across this table and slap the stupid out of you. That guy robbed the 7-11. The DA showed us security camera video of that guy robbing the 7-11. And when the cops chased him down five minutes from the store, that motherfucker in the blue shirt and tan shorts was sucking on a Big Gulp from the goddamn 7-11. I want to get home to watch my soaps. You best be changing your damn vote."

Pretty sure I heard the bailiff outside the door chortling up a storm.

In any case, the hold out could hold out no longer and immediately changed his vote.

But there's no guarantee there's not someone equally brain damaged sitting on the jury in Virginia.

In fact, considering 63 million Americans voted for the shitstain currently in the White House, there's a good chance there's more than one.