Attack of the Unicorns

I'm not big on forum decorum.

If you've been reading any of the close to 2000 entries on this blog during the last ten years you know I don't have any rules or restrictions about what I talk about.

Topics here have included everything from poopenisms ("I have to dump all my shares of Hometown Buffet") to planners (The strategy is "Blue") to politics (let's leave it at Shitgibbon and say no more.)

When it comes to social media, I'm a First Amendment Absolutist. Anybody should be free to say anything they like, anywhere they like it.

But I do have a bone to pick with what I call the Awesome Sauce Nitwits.

They often pop up on LinkedIn, a site for business and professionals. Often in the form of a video. And often delivered by a "Brand Unicorn", "Revenue Charmer" or a "Princess of Profit."

And again, let me stress that I have no problem that they're delivering their "Life Altering Messages" on Linkedin. You could argue they're simply networking and self promoting, I'm no stranger to that.

The sand that gets between my thick and hairy thighs, is the prolific pointless puffery they pass off as some kind of business insight. Even in this Trumpian age of 24 hour a day horsecockery, it is so ridiculously transparent.

Allow me to paraphrase.

"Hey Guys. Hope you're having an awesome day. Even more awesome than yesterday. I just want to share with you some super cool news I heard that can help you in your sales meetings, your presentations, even your apres work networking seshes. Here it is, and I'm gonna whisper cause I don't want everyone to know this super effective, super awesome secret. Are you ready? Smile. That's it. Just smile. Seriously guys, it's gonna unlock doors, open up possibilities and transform your lives in a bubblelicious way that's covered in fabulousness and a double heaping of awesome sauce. See you tomorrow guys."

Someone fucking shoot me.

Lest there be any question about gender bias, you should know I'd be just as bent over the porcelain throne, returning my overpriced Mediterranean lunch to the sea, if the preceding message, or a thousand just as inane as that, were delivered by a man.

And in fact, they are.

Perhaps you've witnessed the smarmy, high energy asshattery of one Gary V. His video missives have all the value of a discarded MicroSoft Zune.

I don't know what world these snake charmers work in, but it bears little resemblance to mine.

You want some dimestore advice on how to get ahead in your career?

Nourish your skills.
Work harder than the next guy or girl.
Work smarter, too.
Make yourself valuable.
Take on responsibility.
Lose the affectations.
Be aware of your environment.
Put your nose to the grindstone.
And keep it there until you have enough money to stay out of a dirty nursing home.

Do all that and you'll have a reason to smile.