Thursday, June 14, 2018

Idaho's finest.

Thursday Thrashing.

Letter Number 18.

To Senator Mike Crapo, the jokes practically write themselves.



Senator Mike Crapo
239 Dirksen Senate Building
Washington, DC 20510

Dear Mike,

Let's get to the good stuff first: your name.

One might contend that you are the most aptly named US Senator (I know all 51 because I am currently on a campaign to hand write letters to every Republican Senator for no other reason but to amuse myself and vent my DefCon Level One rage.)

The truth is, Crappy, that honor goes to three of your colleagues, Senator GrASSley, Senator BarASSo, and Senator SASSe, all of whom demonstrate a level of ASShattery that befits their moniker.

But let's not diminish the crappy job you have done representing the fine cattle ranchers, farmers and white supremacists in Idaho.

I took the liberty of looking over your Wiki page, because let's face it no one in America, with the exception of some ammo sexual Neo-Nazis in Coeur d'Alene, knows who you are or what you've done.

Let's just say I was not disappointed in the least. When it comes to being a crappy person, you sir are more than worthy of the title.

And I'm not just referring to your 2012 arrest for drunk driving as well as your encore DUI performance when you got arrested again in 2013. (Mmmmm, vodka)

Which is odd considering you describe yourself as faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Drinking and driving doesn't seem so saintly to me. If you were smart like our current EPA Secretary Scott Pruitt you would have had a special bulletproof limo built for your late night binge drinking escapades.

I also see that you supported a bill that would make it illegal for a 17-year-old girl to cross state lines and get a legal abortion. Funny, I was under the mistaken impression that one of the tenets of Republicanism was the notion of smaller government and less intrusion into our civil rights.  How could I have gotten that so wrong?

What I find most impressive, Senator, is your "who gives a crap" attitude towards gun violence. 

In 2012, when 20 families in Sandy Hook, CT were busy burying their 6 and 7 year old children who were mowed down by an AR-15, you promised to filibuster any attempt by the Democrats to institute any sane gun control laws whatsoever. So noble.

But your empathy knows no bounds. 

In 2017, you introduced the Hearing Protection Act. Making it easier for pistol aficionados to purchase and use gun silencers. You're not just out there at the forefront to safeguard the rights of gun owners, you're manning the front lines to protect the hearing abilities of anybody who might find themselves within gunshot range. 

Because the opportunity to listen to the patriotic musings of Toby Keith or Trace Adkins surely trumps the rights of sloppy kindergartners who might want to play with the Legos and do figure paintings in a safe school environment. 

That's the type of forward thinking that is emblematic of today's GOP, and more importantly, just what one would expect from a guy named Mike Crapo.

Have a nice day,

Rich Siegel
Culver City, CA 90232 


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