White Guy Problems

There's a sign at the pool where I swim on a daily basis that says, "All swimmers must wear a cap."

I assume this is to prevent hair from clogging up the expensive filters. I don't wear a cap because I no longer have hair on my head. There's a man who regularly works out in Lane #1 who also doesn't wear a cap. He's bald too, so I don't have a problem with that. But considering his ursine appearance and the extraordinary amount of hair that covers his back, I think someone in management ought to make him wear a wetsuit.

The very notion of one of his back hairs finding its way into my mouth has forced me to alter my swim stroke and my breathing technique. I've spoken with some of the women who frequent the pool and not surprisingly it has altered their routine as well. When they see Yogi in the pool, they pack up their belongings and head for the spinning bikes.

I'm no stranger to errant body hair. And I've written about this before. All it took was one trip to the beach and some smart ass kid asking his mother, "Why is that man wearing a sweater?" to send me straight to the nearest Rite-Aid to purchase a cordless personal groomer.

So now I manscape with all the regularity of a 26-year old West Hollywood gym rat.

I only wish my furry friend would discover the wonders of Wahl. Either that or some other way to get his cardio exercise.

You see my other problem with this hirsute heavyweight is he doesn't come to the pool to swim. While I'm dutifully maxing out my heart rate with a tortuous rotation of 50's, 100's, 200's and 400-yard sprints, he's walking the lane, jogging in place and flailing his arms in some supposed aqua resistance training. Then he'll grab a kick board (not to kick with) and start pushing and pulling it through the water, creating a whirlpool effect that brings the water, and my temper, to a boiling rage.

Am I being petty?
Of course I am.

Did you not see the title of this post?