Monday, June 7, 2010

The Final Frontier

I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but the subject matter is so, I could not pass up (soon, you'll understand why I chose to use this pun) the opportunity.

You see, while you are going about your morning activities and putting off until Tuesday what should have been done today, I am slipping into a percoset-induced fantasyland in the belly of Beverly Hills. Where Megan Fox and Scarlet Johannsen will attend to my every dark and unconscious need, and a highly paid doctor, registered nurse and anesthesiologist will go about inspecting my large intestine for any irregularities.

Using the Olympus CF-Q160AL Video Colonoscope with variable stiffness and an extra wide viewing lens, they are going where no man has ever gone before. With the exception of two board certified urologists, that is.

But today's Fantastic Voyage takes us further and farther to that final frontier, innerspace.

What wonders will this team uncover? Will they snake by my left kidney and find last Thursday's baked salmon and asparagus tips? Will that tri-tip salad from Santa Maria BBQ be lurking around the corner of my pancreas? Or will they hang a right turn at my duodenum and discover yesterday's andouille sausage and eggs? Hopefully, after the procedure has been completed, I will have a DVD with all the answers.

The results from today's exam won't be available for another week. But with a resting heart rate in the fifties, low blood pressure and low cholesterol, my doctor has already proclaimed me to be one of the 'fittest fat man' he's ever seen.

So I've got every reason to believe this story will not have a surprise ending.

Get it? Ending.

They can devise precise state-of-the-art surgical equipment to scope and remove pre-cancerous polyps from the gastro-intestinal tract of the human body, but they can't take the 14-year old boy out of the man.

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