Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Hello Ghulam

The Internal Revenue Service called me last week.

I thought for a second I might be the target of a malicious audit, you know, in retaliation for all the memes and jabs at Precedent Shitgibbon. I seriously wouldn't doubt if my name were on some payback shortlist. Of course, if you know me at all you know I would wear that as a badge of honor. I long for the day when I get blocked from his Twitter feed.

But it turns out it was scam. The IRS, it seems, does not conduct criminal investigations from an office in Sylacauga, AL. Nor do they use robo-voices and broken English to alert tax cheaters of their crimes.

Here's a transcript of the phone call.

I don't know about you, but I love turning the tables on scammers. There's something about people trying to get their hands on my hard-earned money that just gets my goat.

Years ago, you might remember I published Tuesdays With Mantu, My Adventures with a Nigerian Con Artist.

Every Thursday, I take the time to reply to the scammers at, a money milking operation that preys on lonely men seeking companionship.

And you might be familiar with my ongoing battles with Volvo Cars of Las Vegas.

So, I did what any tax-paying American would do, I called them back at their Sylacauga, Alabama headquarters to find out how much I owed in arrears.

The phone was answered by Ghulam, who sounded more like he came from Pakistan than the land of Dixie.

Me: Hi, I got a message that I'm under investigation.

Ghulam: Yes sir. You have failed to declare all your income and now you owe us back taxes.

Me: Is this from my side business?

Ghulam: Yes sir, I do believe it is.

Me: Am I going to jail?

Ghulam: You must send us a check immediately. What kind of side business do you operate sir?

Me: It's a little unusual. I have 35 acres in Visalia. It's in the middle of farm country.

Ghulam: And what do you grow there sir?

Me: This is hard to explain.

Ghulam: I am listening, sir.

Me: We keep a herd of goats there.

Ghulam: You are selling goat's meat, sir.

Me: Not exactly, Ghulam. We're sort of running a goat brothel.

Ghulam: Not sure I am following you, sir.

Me: Look....there's not a lot of women in Visalia...and sometimes the men around here, well, they're looking for companionship...and for a modest fee they...uh...spend time with the goats...


Me: Hello, Ghulam? Are you still there? Ghulam?

I was going to take the time to block this phone number on my iPhone, but I don't think they're going to be calling me again anytime soon.

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