Last week I declared my candidacy to replace Martin Sorrell as Chairman of the WPP organization, one of the world's largest advertising holding companies.
Many of you mistakenly read the piece as nothing more than Swiftian delight, an exercise in hyperbole and inside-the-park trade satire.
So very wrong.
You see, on this matter, I'm as serious as a missing page in a PowerPoint deck. I really should be the next WPP Chairman. For the reasons I spelled out earlier last week. And for many more, which I will put forth today.
First, let's talk about the criteria that guides all decisions in the advertising world -- the creative quality of the work. (Cupping ear with left hand) Oh, I'm being told that is no longer the case and the number one criteria governing decision making is now, wait for it...Money.
As has been reported in the trades, Sir Martin Sorrell's compensation package including stocks, options and "performance" bonuses over a 5 year period was approximately $120 million USD.
You can be sure other potential candidates will be swinging for the same fence. But this 44 year old freelance copywriter will not.
I'm gonna do the gig for less. Substantially less.
I'm a man of modest needs. I don't like wearing suits. Or hard leather shoes. I don't need $100 haircuts. I trim my own mustache. I like Knob Creek and Maker's Mark, but have no problem drinking Jack Daniels. Get me near a pool, some free weights and a hiking trail and I won't need any expensive gym memberships. Plus, I like driving my 2007 Lexus LS 460, so I don't need any new fancy wheels.
And because I like round numbers, WPP, I'm in for an easy $10 million a year. Easy.
I haven't even talked about the money spent on traveling. I don't like flying. I don't like the food in London. Paris makes me feel claustrophobic. And a $5 million Brownstone in New York? Won't be necessary.
I'm prepared to perform all my duties as Chairman of WPP from the comfort of my home in Culver City. I would however put in for a new Herman Miller chair as the mesh netting on my current model is beginning to yield to the constant pressure of my 200+ lbs. butt.
I understand as the titular head of such a large organization that I will need to make some appearances east of La Cienega Blvd., and here again my modest nature will pay handsome dividends to the WPP organization.
You see I am more than willing to fly Business Class. I don't need the exorbitant and wasteful niceties found beyond the faux crushed blue velvet curtain. Give me a wide seat and promise I'll never have to eat the Beef Stroganoff they serve in Coach and I'm good.
Special Note: I get to fly Business Class even if travel time is less than 6 hours. I know HR and Finance people get sticky on this but on this point there can be no negotiation.
I'm running out of room and I haven't even discussed my platform or policy changes, which I think many women, brown people and Fucking Jews will appreciate. In the next few weeks I shall continue to use this digital soapbox to lay out my qualifications for the job as your new chairman of WPP, which originally stood for Wire and Plastic Products.
Here too, we see how life has come full circle. My first job, other than running two newspaper delivery routes, was working in my father's office in downtown Manhattan at the Brownell Electro Company, the nation's 138th leading distributor of industrial electrical wiring spools.
And my intimate knowledge of wire products did not end there. Upon landing in California after college, I also drove a forklift at the Brownell Electro warehouse in Compton. And stood shoulder to shoulder with many Crips, Bloods and former residents of the Department of Corrections.
In other words, I'm a man of the people.
And I will be a man of your WPP people.