Don't Tone It Down!

It's been little more than a year since I was pink slipped at PayPal. And in my estimation, I've been a very good boy about not saying anything disparaging about them. I'm not crystal clear about what I can and cannot say, according to the legalese clauses in my separation agreement. 

I figured silence, or near-silence, was my best bet.

I hate lawyers and their propensity to maul the English language. One could argue their lack of exactitude has put this country in the situation it is in today. As you sit and read this, the highest judicial court in the land is parsing and dissecting the Constitution in an effort to give our former president the freedom to commit crimes. Before, during and after he was in office. 

I don't know how to define Obscenity, but this takes it by a country mile.

I know you're wondering how this all gets to Miracle Whip, but it does. In less time than it takes to make an egg salad sandwich. Trust me.

You see, while I was at PayPal, a fine company with honorable intentions with astute leadership and crack marketing whizzes, I learned they had an entire team devoted to social media. They tweeted (or X'ed). They cultivated relationships. They even had their own Facebook page. And probably still do.

I have better things to do with my time than to hunt down the PayPal Facebook Page. 

Or do I?

Fascinated as I was about the prospect of people voluntarily following PayPal and all the innovations they were developing in the field of online payment systems, I thought, "Wait, what? People follow PayPal?"

And then I thought, I wonder what happened to the Miracle Whip generation of rebels who zealously eschewed mayonnaise and pledged their allegiance to the cause of No More Mayo, as outlined in this classic 2009 piece: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKOfGvbUx-s

Further, in service to the 9 loyal readers of RoundSeventeen, I put on my detective cap and ventured down this yolk-based Rabbit Hole.

It should come to no one's surprise, that there is indeed a Facebook Group dedicated to Miracle Whip. Not a small group, mind you. There are close to 250,000 people (perhaps worldwide) who wake up every morning, eager to open their Facebook page and find out what the Kraft Miracle Whip Crafters have done for them lately.

As if we didn't have enough tsuras about the 2020 election did you know this was going on?

I can't believe I missed that. Nor can I believe they haven't brought the Plate Debate back for 2024.

Sidenote: If I were on the Miracle Whip team I would be mad at Kraft for also making Mayo. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Especially, when in the same breath you're stocking the shelves at the local supermarket with Miracle Whip AND with Mayo!!!

That's double dealing and cuts against the rallying call of their 2018 cinematic efforts...

OK, we've had a little fun at the expense of the hardworking and incredibly creative marketing folks at Miracle Whip. But now it's time for a little more. 

I know from experience (Hello, data driven Mensas at PayPal) that the digital people love to analyze their numbers. Looking for marketing opportunities. And vital insight that can spell life or death in the spreadable sandwich condiment category. 

Let's make their Miracle Whip day even more miraculous and start following their Twitter feed, @MiracleWhip. They have close to 16,000 followers and haven't put up a post in more than 3 years. If 1600 of us were to sign up -- I know I'm being overly optimistic -- that would be an out-of-the-blue 10% jump.

A sudden and dramatic spike would make them dance a fancy dance in their khaki pants. 

And, selfishly, because they would eventually find the algorithm was tricked by this blog, it would make me a happy man. Well, as happy as I get.

Never, tone it down. 

Never.