If Apple Ruled the World

Last week I received an email from Apple. Mind you, I'm not prone to answering, much less looking, at the ton of spammy email that arrives in my box without fail, every....damn...morning. 

From politicians and their lame reverse psychology tricks ("It looks like we've already lost") to offers from Butcher Box (good packaging, not so good quality). And like you, and millions of other Americans, I click, command shift, scroll, and toss that annoying shit right in the trash can. 

I don't care how catchy their subject lines may or may not (mostly not) be.

But, I was drawn to this one because it was from Apple and it just so happens my oldest daughter Rachel works at MAL -- Media Arts Lab, the agency that handles their advertising and sorta, my alma mater. Rachel (in red) is seen here with my equally-beautiful and intelligent, other daughter, Abby.

The email was for the Apple Titanium Credit Card. 

Granted, the last thing I need is another credit card but it had a certain minimalist appeal. And they were offering Cash Back on every purchase. I was never a credit card rewards guy until I discovered I had thousands of dollars worth of rewards on my Chase Card not long ago. 

So I did the uniquely American thing and signed up. 

When the card arrived several days later it had that signature Apple touch of innovation and simplicity.

To activate the card, all I had to do was place my iPhone on the box. And like magic it worked. Moreover, it also put the card directly into my iPhone wallet. It was all so seamless. And intuitive. 

Ports and charger chords notwithstanding, the good people at Apple have heeded Steve Jobs' advice: "Let's make things easier for the consumer. Not harder."

If only other companies followed suit.

Why, for instance, do we still have Phone Trees? The man or woman who invented these aberrations should be forced to sit in a jail cell and listen to this mind-impaling babble before every meal for the rest of his or her miserable life.

Why, after enduring phone trees, are we then connected to a service representative who demands the same personal information we punched in 27 minutes and 33 seconds prior to a live human?

And why, please someone explain this, are all live representatives in Pakistan, India or Kashmir? I have nothing against them, nothing. In fact my chosen Siri voice is Indian.

It's charming when Siri is reading out driving directions to me or telling me what the word 'obstreperous' means. But when I am fuming about some mishap/mistake/or downright screwing by an American company, I want to vent my frustration in full-throated American English vernacular. And not have to interject that with...

"Excuse me"

"Pardon me"

"Can you repeat that?" 

Additionally, in light of last week's purchase of Twitter by Chief Douchebag, Elon Musk, I like to think soft-spoken billionaire Tim Cook (or Tim Apple, as ex Precedent Shitgibbon liked to call him) would do a much better job as Head of the New World Order.