She Zigged

There are a lot of conspiracy theories floating around these days. 

Some say Putin is in danger of getting stabbed in the back by his military generals. Others thinks that when Trump says Chy-Na he actually means Ukraine. And the current conspiracy theory that is going around regards Gonzaga University, tucked away in east Spokane Washington.

Nutters are saying the University doesn't actually exist and it's just a beard for the NCAA basketball team, which is a perennial contender for the championship but always seem to prove the premise of an old Woody Harrelson/Wesley Snipes movie, which I will leave unnamed.

I can tell you first hand that there is indeed a Gonzaga University because for reasons unknown, our college guidance counselor thought it would be a good choice for our eldest daughter way back in 2013 when we were exploring all her scholastic choices.

So, I volunteered to take Rachel and Abby to glorious Spokane for a visit. 

We landed in an airport that was pitch-black and closed. Mormons tend to call it a night right after the 9:30 showing of Matlock. Fortunately we were able to rent a car. And as we made our way out of the Spokane airport, we spotted a herd of elk/deer/moose/unprocessed gamey venison. I'm no zoologist and can't tell the difference between these skittish hooven animals. All I can say is there were a lot of them.

Because there two hotels near the university with the same name, we naturally ended up at the wrong one. And finally fell asleep at about 3 in the morning. Just in time to catch 4 hours of shut-eye before the 7:30 Gonzaga School tour began. Mormons, and again there are a lot of Mormons in Eastern Washington, like to commence their unholy cheeriness at ungodly early hours.

It should be noted that Gonzaga is a Catholic School. In fact, they're Jesuits and take their Jesuitness quite seriously. This was kind of a deal breaker for my daughter Rachel, who had just finished 4 years of Catholic High School. 

It wasn't a deal breaker for Gonzaga, who proudly welcome students of all faiths and might have even shaved our tuition bill just so their recruiters could legitimately say, "Look we even have Jews...a Jew."

But, we were there, the hotel had been booked for one more night, and so we begrudgingly finished the tour. Which meant listening to the peacocking parents including one who repeatedly asked several tour guides, "Is there a special dorm for honor students, you know so they can study in peace?"

Sure lady, because Jesuits are known for their raging keggers and indiscriminate use of heroin.

We did get to see the Blue House, or whatever they call it, where the Zags dominate the Pacific Northwest in basketball. It was shockingly smaller that I had pictured it. And could seat 8,000 comfortably.

"Is there a special section for honor students to sit so they don't rub up against the riff riff?"

This pales in comparison to the Carrier Dome where my once legendary Syracuse Orange could pack in 35, 000 maniacal fans.

The tour ended with the piece de resistance, a mini-museum dedicated to and probably funded by, Gonzaga's most famous alumni -- Bing Crosby. 

Behind laser-protected glass cases, there are songbooks, sheet music, pipes, hats and a variety of sartorial oddities including sock garters and ascots, all worn, allegedly, by the Bingster himself.

Having raised two cynical, wise ass daughters, who are unable to muster up any kind of fake enthusiasm, you could hear them laughing in nearby Idaho.

So allow me to put this conspiracy theory to bed and say, "Yes there is a real Gonzaga University." It just wasn't real enough for my daughter.

The next day, we hopped in the car, drove the width of the state, which is beautiful, and walked the campus at the University of Washington. Where half the students, in a midday drunken stupor, were zigging and zagging their way down to Husky stadium for the big rivalry football game against Oregon.

At which point Rachel, looked at me and without saying a thing, smiled as if to say, "This is where I'm going to college."